Thursday, January 16, 2014

5 TV Shows With Fans Who Will Knife You For Hating

Yes. We're going there.

TV has an interesting way of dividing people. You can make fun of your best buddy's crappy cell phone, their high school, and their place of work with almost no consequences. But take one light jab at their obsession over "Supernatural" and just see what happens

Best get comfortable, because we aren't even close to being done with those kinds of sweeping generalizations. It's been a month since posting and we've got a lot of grenades to drop.

On your mind. Because mind grenades.

#5 The Big Bang Theory

What It Is: 
That 70's Show without the charm or the humor. The least funny episode of How I Met Your Mother contains more laughs than the best possible episode of this BS.

A Quick Summary: 
The Big Bang Theory tries to cash in on this generation's "Nerdy can be cool, too" trend by making every character a ridiculous comic relief. The show doesn't actually contain any jokes, so instead it throws in an annoyingly loud laugh-track at the end of every sentence in an effort to tell viewers "THIS WAS FUNNY, LAUGH NOW." Honestly, this show sucked before it was adopted as everyone's guilty pleasure show.

How Fans Made It Worse: 
By jumping on the "Nerdy = Cool" bandwagon without truly understanding how exactly that trend works. See, cool nerdy stuff was always cool and is just now getting its chance to shine— superhero movies, interesting new technology, anything involving dry ice, you get the idea. Those things are inherently awesome. The desperate mistake made by too many Big Bang Theory fans is assuming that poorly-acted sexual tension and ridiculous character outfits somehow passes into the realm of coolness. It doesn't. Not all things traditionally considered "geeky" are cool just because people know who Iron Man is now. This also applies to those fake nerd glasses that girl in the back of your class wears.

Identifying PR majors has never been so simple.

#4 The Walking Dead

What It Is: 
Toy Story.

A Quick Summary: 
The Walking Dead was once the pinnacle of the zombie popularity spike. It was actually cool for a season, but fans blew it out of proportion right when the forever-long/awful/boring season 2 was happening. Similar to the sad situation with The Avengers, groupthink prevented any logical criticism of the show despite it falling short of all expectations after season 1. The zombie obsession isn't quite fully dead yet, but isn't exactly alive either. How fitting.

How Fans Made It Worse:
By somehow remaining oblivious to the fact that everyone moved past the zombie fad ever since World War Z happened, since no zombie movie will probably ever be that good again.

#3 Adventure Time

What It Is:
If Homestar Runner and low-budget youtube viral videos had a profoundly unfunny child, and that child then found its parents' stash of psychoactive drugs, that would be Adventure Time.

A Quick Summary:
Who even knows? I mean seriously, how is this show popular at all? We get that it's big with the stoner crowd, but that makes sense— adult swim has always been geared towards a particular demographic, and that demographic is perpetually high. But why this? It's like you're watching the sum total of all the mindless doodles you drew on your math homework in middle school come to life in nightmarish forms, and then they waste a half-hour of your life before Archer comes on.

How Fans Made It Worse: 
Just…by being fans…? The show is stupid even without masses of fans, but because it does in fact have masses of fans, it's another blow to our collective faith in humanity. In that way, "Adventure Time" is the People Magazine of television.

#2 Game of Thrones

What It Is:
Pornographic Skyrim blended together with the rape-y parts of bad horror movies.

A Quick Summary:
Based on the now popular book series by George RR Martin, this show is basically all the torture and sex scenes from trashy horror films with an added backdrop of old-timey Norse(?) mythology. It takes all the worst things that happened in the dark ages and adds dragons and magic to it. If you find yourself thinking "Hey that sounds cool," Martin has already got you. It isn't. Repeat: It is not. Cool.

Sticky notes are character deaths. Predictably, one of those is Sean Bean.

Martin is notorious for killing off key characters and introducing abrupt plot-twists, which would be great if it didn't detract from the overall story…which it totally does. Martin chooses to cling to his "Always be unpredictable" policy so desperately, that's exactly what he becomes. Yes, character deaths are shocking and keeping main characters constantly in danger of actually dying off is a new sort of gimmick— but a gimmick is what it is, and those are bad. Those are bad because they get old; once people figure it out, everything interesting and important and surprising about what you write becomes stale and predictable. Take Stefani Germanotta, the patron saint of successful gimmicks.

Pictured: Lady Gaga maybe. 
Because anyone could dress up like they just ran through a Hobby Lobby covered in hot glue 
and pretend they were her. Nobody would even know.

Is anyone surprised anymore when she takes the stage dressed in nothing but Pizza Hut boxes? No. We know she's nuts, we know she's an attention whore; the only legitimate shot she has at truly shocking people ever again is if she gets that nose of hers worked on and starts looking actually kind of attractive. That would be a shock to us all.

Anyway, Martin kills off "good guy" main characters and bad guys never get their comeuppance. Surprising the first few times, maybe entertaining the next few times, but you know what? When people unlock the secret to this "No happy endings for anyone ever" style of writing, it gets sour. It becomes predictable in the worst way, because reading the books or watching the show breeds an attitude of pessimism towards everything related to the plot. "Oh good, so-and-so broke free from whosywhatsit, I wonder if something bad will happen…" [IT DOES] "Wow I…saw that coming because that's been happening for thirty episodes/chapters now."

How Fans Made It Worse:
By being complete junkies. Hating on Game of Thrones is like saying JK Rowling is kind of a crappy author— it will instantly turn someone against you, and that someone will not even be able to comprehend how you could not like their most favorite thing. Try it, say to your Game of Thrones friend "You know, I liked it for a while but it just got so stupid," and then sit back and marvel at the ten-minute rant you just drew forth from the mouth of an otherwise rational human being. At the end of the day, Game of Thrones is just a poor man's rape-filled mixture of Lord of the Rings and European history, and Dobby is still dead.


#1 Doctor Who. Although the following is also probably applicable to Sherlock.

What It Is:
Have we already used the word "insufferable" too many times today?

A Quick Summary:
Matt Smith is a time-travelling alien who looks like a grown-up version of that weird kid in your honors chem class. Remarkably, he is also a sex symbol.

Or a lesbian. Who's to say?

He recruits a new girl every few seasons to share adventures with him. He fixes everything with a "sonic screwdriver", which is the most literal embodiment of a McGuffin ever. 

Literally every single problem can be solved with the sonic screwdriver. The sonic screwdriver is Tiger Woods on a Sunday. The sonic screwdriver is Dr. House in the final five minutes of each episode.

The only real doctor.

How Fans Made It Worse:
Well, it's a re-imagining of an old off-the-wall sci-fi show that should probably be about as popular as those low-budget Syfy original movies with atrocious acting and laughable special effects. Because that's all Dr. Who is every episode. But it's not floating around in relative obscurity, it's popular. Trendy, even. People are getting sonic screwdriver tattoos. For many, Matt Smith is celebrity crush #1.

The show really isn't anything special, but the nerd-driven hype-machine selected Dr Who for this year's "Show you'll be embarrassed you own the seasons on DVD" award. 

But Seriously, SCREW Big Bang Theory.


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