Thursday, May 30, 2013

5 Awesome Types Of Movies (That Can Never Be Made Again)

I hope all nine bucks of my movie ticket went directly to that stuntman.

One of the most important things movies offer each of us is an entertaining dose of escapism. For 90-120 minutes, we leave everything in the real world outside of the dark theater and just enjoy the excitement of a different reality for a little while. They turn the lights out for the same reason they make the screen massive and the volume loud enough to shake your seat; it's so you feel immersed in the world being presented to you. So it's no wonder you sometimes leave a theater a bit disappointed that it's all over, finding yourself back in the real world where car-crashes can actually kill you.

And where women don't generally look like Gal Gadot.

We enjoy certain films so much, however, that we unknowingly give certain movie franchises a monopoly over a certain genre. Whether these films are untouchable because they're considered "classics", or they're more recent and just shouldn't be done again because they couldn't possibly get any better, here are five kinds of movies that just can't be made again:


#1. Underground Racing Movies That Aren't "Fast and the Furious"



For those of you who are non-believers in the "Fast" franchise, here's a quick summary: everybody in this world drives a $100,000 car, has no real job, and apparently has like five asian girlfriends judging by the gratuitous "party on top of the cars" scene that appears at least twice in every installment of the series. Cops never arrest anyone because our heroes display superb manual shifting. People can pretty much break the law all they want and still not be considered the "bad guy", unless they happen to be foreign (villains in these movies are Asian, Argentinian, Japanese, Mexican, Brazilian, and European, in that order). If you're a foreign criminal in these movies you're toast. For everybody else, car crashes are almost never fatal and your life is like a live action Need For Speed Underground, every single day.

Holy crap, it's been ten years.

If you've watched the movies from the very beginning, you know that the protagonists who started as some neighborhood thugs stealing DVD players have now become the world's leading anti-vehicular terrorism unit. We're not discussing continuity problems or movie mistakes here, so we'll just go along assuming that's a thing. Make fun of the "Fast and Furious" movies all you want, there's still no denying the success this series has graduated to through an increased budget and an effort to create some semblance of a storyline.

Also, a tank.

The most admirable aspect of the series is how it started with some underground street-racing and an undercover cop, and has since evolved into action movies with fast, colorful cars pulling off awesome bank heists and putting a stop to international terror. For the fans of the series, they can pretty much keep releasing a "Fast" movie every summer as long as it's equal to Fast 4, 5, and 6 in its dosage of face-punching, close-up-of-intense-shifting awesomeness.

What this means for the rest of the movie-making people of the world is that if you want to make a movie about street-racing and fast cars, too bad; it's already been made. The "Fast" franchise has covered all the bases, summarized for your convenience as the following:

1) "The Fast and The Furious", dingy thugs race illegal cars for respect and stuff. Paul Walker's a cop.

2) "2Fast, 2Furious", slightly less dingy thugs do the same thing but in Miami, Paul Walker no longer a cop but is working with the cops.

3) "Tokyo Drift", takes place after Fast 6 in Tokyo, where the asian guy Han is spending all his cash he made in Fast 5. Nobody's a cop.

4) "Fast and Furious", Mexican drug lord needs drivers to drive his drugs into America. This makes as much sense in the movie as it does in writing. Paul Walker is now a super cop. Letty dies.

5) "Fast 5", Every cool character from the previous four movies gets together to steal a metric crap-ton of money from a Brazilian drug guy (except Letty, who is dead). They succeed by dragging a bank vault behind two cars through half of Rio for thirty straight minutes, then they all fly to separate beaches (except Han, who drives off with Gal Gadot). Paul Walker is not a cop. The Rock is a cop. This is awesome.

6) "Fast 6" (No spoilers), The Rock (who is a cop) gets the team together to bring down some Europeans who are basically evil twin versions of themselves. This is directly addressed in the movie. Letty isn't dead. Things explode on the longest runway ever constructed by man. Nobody knows who the cops are anymore.

As you can see, these movies have stepped up there complexity and appeal with each installment in the franchise, and will continue to do so at least through next summer. Any fast car movies not starring Vin Diesel and his gang of awesome racer bros just aren't going to measure up.

#2. Any Pirate Movie Without Jonny Depp In It


This isn't the last "How I Met Your Mother" reference we'll be making today.

What's not to like about a pirate movie? Pirate movies are one of the most inherently adventurous types of action films around. Secret treasure, sword fighting, hidden isles of the sea, all that stuff. Too bad that without Captain Jack, nobody will care about any sort of pirate movie ever again, unless the Muppets sign on for a "Muppet Treasure Island" Sequel.


You may remember a movie released several years ago at the height of the pirates craze titled "Master and Commander". By all accounts, it was a great movie. It was an attempt at a more realistic depiction of how great a sea-battle movie can be, and it was a success and really very good. And nobody watches it anymore because freaking pirate zombies.

"Pirates of the Caribbean" nailed it- lots of cool fight scenes, Geoffrey Rush as the bad guy pirate, creepy ghost ship (complete with even creepier skeleton monkey), and Jack Sparrow, a character that would quickly become a staple in pop culture and pirate movie lore, and also make up for Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley being in the movie.

Every movie this woman is in, Natalie Portman would've been a better choice. Every one.


The "Pirates" franchise has claimed Davy Jones, The Flying Dutchman, Blackbeard, Mermaids, the dreaded Isla de Muerta, Penelope Cruz, and basically every other major element you'd want to include in a pirate movie, making it impossible for anyone else to go near a pirate themed movie for the next twenty years, at which point technology will advance to the point where we're literally in the movie. And even when that happens, they'll probably just re-release the "Pirates" movies in the year 2033's 4-Dimensional theaters.

#3. The Lord of The Rings Trilogy Can't Be Bested


For so many reasons...No, all of them, all of the reasons.


#4. Any Classic From The '80s



Classics are classics for a reason; there's a certain nostalgia you enjoy while watching "The Goonies", something that can't be recreated through a cheap Hollywood remake. There seems to be three major avenues of thought explored when the powers-that-be get together and think up new films to fund:

1. What movies haven't had a sequel yet?
2. What movies are old enough to reboot?
3. ...Anyone read any good books lately?

The problem with rebooting anything from the 1980's is it just can't be done. The Michael Jackson and Hair-Metal era should be remembered, not necessarily relived. So in 2011 when "Footloose" received its own stale remake, it was received with a general "meh". Nobody who saw it said it was an awful movie, it just wasn't worth seeing because anybody who wanted to see Footloose already freaking owned it (though probably on VHS).

After Footloose's failure to ignite an '80s trend, the "excitement" behind a new Back to the Future movie and Top Gun 2 thankfully lost all momentum and seem to be dead for the moment. Hollywood is content to take a page out of Disney's money-making book and just re-release classic movies in theaters every twenty years instead, which is smart, but also totally cheating.


#5. Iron Man And Batman Movies



As evidenced by the Batman, Superman, and James Bond movies of old, some characters are so great that each generation gets its own version. But the cash-crazy people who watched "The Avengers" make all the money last year are hungry for a justice league movie before the comic book craze dies, and it's going to be a travesty. They're working on a new Batman right now, apparently pretending that it's possible to make batman movies better than Christopher Nolan can.

"Wrong"- Nolan

The Justice League movie will either consist of characters who can't carry their own movie in a rushed and underdeveloped script with a Batman that isn't Bat-Bale, or won't happen at all because the comic book movie craze only has about two good years left in it.

We're in a special time when casting directors are doing a pretty incredible job....well, doing their job. For example, the original Iron Man film paved the way for The Avengers and all the films connected to it, but before Robert Downey Jr. donned the CGI suit, most people either weren't aware of who Iron Man was, or didn't give a crap about the dorky looking summer blockbuster soon to hit theaters. What followed was a shot in the arm of Robert's career, and an avalanche of great superhero movies becoming a reality.

Bet you read right past that "shot in the arm" joke.

Iron Man is now everyone's favorite avenger (if he isn't, it better be the Hulk), all because Robert Downey Jr. absolutely owned the role like nobody else could. We make a big deal about the performance Heath Ledger delivered as The Joker (and rightfully so), a role that played a part in ending his life. Iron Man practically saved Robert's life--and with it, his career--and it's because he was so good at being Tony Stark (because he essentially is Tony Stark). Such a believable performance makes the character more than just memorable, it makes the character impossible to replicate. You know who's going to take up the role of Iron Man, or Wolverine, or Jack Sparrow, or Joker next? Freaking nobody. 

For at least a generation, all the movies on this list should be untouchable, if movie-makers know what's good for them. There's just no sense in rebooting a batman franchise still fresh off its DVD sales, no point in making pirate movies without Depp starring in them, and no way anyone is taking car racing movies seriously without Vin Diesel. 

It's tough enough taking them seriously with Vin Diesel.


-L

Thursday, May 23, 2013

6 Movies You Didn't Know Were Being Released In 2014

You probably heard they were making a "300" sequel; you probably hadn't heard
that Vesper Lynd was starring in it. 

It's a safe bet that if you liked any movie released in the past two years, its sequel will be released in 2014. Whether or not that's a good thing is a discussion for a future date; fact is, many of these sequels should be so awesome they physically pin you to your soda-stained seat. Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, Captain America: Winter Soldier, a new Bond film, a new Spiderman, and another Fast and Furious installment are just a few of the many exciting movies headed towards future-us. Of course there will also be a ton of sequels coming out that are totally unnecessary, but if Hollywood knows for a fact a movie will rake in the cash, that movie gets made- Rio 2, Journey to the ______ 3, yet another Tyler Perry movie, 21 Jump Street 2, How To Train Your Dragon 2, another Transformers movie, and a third Despicable Me.

We're not saying all of those will be bad (though some of them totally will be), but are there any movies that aren't sequels? Have you heard about anything coming out next year that's not related to anything we'll see in theaters this summer? Seems like all the hype is about superhero movies and the Hunger Games, when there's actually a whole lot of other awesome things developing...


#1- Ninja Turtles



Yes, Ninja Turtles is happening next summer. At a glance there is cause for major concern, since it's a live-action blockbuster reboot of a childhood favorite cartoon starring Megan Fox and being directed by the explosion fetishist frat-boy director Michael Bay. The Transformers franchise has made a ton of money despite each movie being about an hour too long and every single character with a speaking part trying to be the comic relief.


And generally sucking at it.

But here's the good part: the segments of Transformers movies that actually involved building-sized robots destroying each other were undeniably terrific. Transformers 2 was an unbearably long movie with unacceptable amounts of crappy acting in it, but people paid nine bucks to sit in their seats and wait patiently until Optimus Prime wailed on four decepticons at once, and then the price of admission was worth it. The parts of the Transformers movies that actually starred the Transformers were awesome, it's the rest of the movie that gets in the way.

This leads us to believe that even in the probable event of a convoluted script and bad Megan Fox actressing, April O'Neil and the gritty CGI Ninja Turtles reboot will be worth watching simply because seeing a favorite cartoon from your childhood brought to life with today's butt-kicking movie magic is the very reason we're all in the middle of a superhero comic book nerd-fantasy entertainment binge in the first place. Because it rocks.

#2- The LEGO Movie



If you aren't totally psyched for next year's LEGO movie, you may not be familiar with LEGO's fantastic (and usually surprising) brand of legitimately clever comedy in their very successful line of video games. Wondering how that will translate to a feature-length film? Here's Wikipedia's plot overview:

"Emmet, an ordinary guy, is mistaken as being the one who can save the universe. With the aid of an old mystic, a tough female and Batman, Emmet will fight to defeat the evil tyrant bent on destroying the universe by gluing it together."

If you are still less-than-100%-amped, than perhaps we should mention who's attached to the project. Voicing Mr. LEGO Batman up there will be Arrested Development's Will Arnett (Gob will be the voice of Batman...let that sink in for a minute). Will Farrell will be voicing the villainous "President Business", and Liam Neeson will lend his voice to a character listed simply as "Bad Cop". 

Liam Neeson, the king of greek gods, master Jedi warrior, Aslan the god-lion, the ultraninja batman villain, hunter of european kidnappers and puncher of wild arctic wolves, is gonna be "Bad Cop" in the LEGO movie.

Community's Alison Brie and the love interest from that football movie "Invincible" Elizabeth Banks will also play major characters. If for some reason you are humorless enough to not find the prospect of Liam Neeson, Will Farrell, and a Will Arnett-voiced LEGO Batman awesome on a gut-busting level, here's one last kicker- guess who's voicing the aforementioned "old mystic"?


We BS you not.


#3- The Book Thief


"This is the only non-creepy picture of death on the internet, and it's Ian McKellen"
-Mind Grenades Photo Staff

A few years ago when most people were busy reading The Hunger Games, a book narrated by death himself became popular among book clubs and for good reason- it's pretty great actually. Considering the holocaust is the single most popular topic to write about ever, it's hard to get your WWII era book noticed. Having the grim reaper introduce himself and tell you who in the book dies in the first few pages is an interesting twist. The movie adaptation will be awesome, and most people won't get excited for the film's release until they see a teaser-trailer, because people just don't read books anymore that aren't about angsty teenage love triangles.  


A new death tournament and a super awesome rebellion are supposed to be happening, 
but sure, tell us more about your boy situation. 

#4, 5, and 6 Each Involve Epic Casting Calls 



First, Angelina Jolie is starring in the dark fairytale film "Maleficent", titled after arguably the greatest villain in the Disney universe. And before you protest that claim, just try to think of any other evil witch capable of entrancing a princess in a hypnotic deathsleep and doing this to prevent Prince Phillip from saving the day:


Holy Crap this was a kids movie?

Little Mermaid's Ursula did what exactly? Turned into a Macy's Day Parade version of herself and died from being impaled by a boat? Lame. Maleficent is a sorceress with "all the powers of Hell", and she's gonna have her own film next year starring Mrs. Jolie. 

Next, The Rock is starring in a Hercules movie, which sounds pretty good in theory. Considering "Clash of the Titans" managed to screw up the storyline to stories that have existed for thousands of years, and the recent "Conan The Barbarian" flopped, we're all due for a solid "Man with a colossal figure and super strength takes on impossible odds" movie. Actually, when written like that Hercules is basically a superhero. Ever wonder if ancient Grecian children wanted to be awesome like Hercules someday the way today's kids want to be Batman? They're essentially the same guy.


Impossible muscle definition: check. 
Ridiculous animal-themed costume to kick butt in: check. 
Incapable of keeping love interest alive: sad check.

Lastly, Ridley Scott's next project is entitled "Exodus", and is rumored to be starring Christian Bale in the role of Moses. Considering Scott is the man who gave us the exceptionally epic "Gladiator" as well as a seriously awesome "Robin Hood", the Bible may finally be in theaters again after way too long of a big screen drought. 


Charlton Heston was your grandparents' Harrison Ford; show a little respect.

There's a lot to be excited for in 2014 involving hobbits and marvel comics, but now you know there's much to look forward to next year beyond the cgi spandex wearing heroes undeserving of a sequel and another try at Robocop. There are movies based on books with imaginative ideas, movies about legit vampires, and movies that start with the word "Godzilla". 

Should be an interesting year.

-L


Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Putting Things In Perspective


Whether car-jamming to your Pandora radio or quoting lines from your favorite end-of-the-world movie, you don't generally think about how long you've liked a song on your iPod or a movie on your shelf. It's just one of your favorites that's always been there. Thing is, as you've grown up, so too has all the stuff you used to love. Here are some things that sometimes seem like they just happened, or at least they don't feel like they happened that long ago.... 

#1- Billie Joe Armstrong is 41 Freaking Years Old

And still trying to rock a pixie cut.

The youthful, energetic punk appeal of Green Day sort of fades when you realize their initial album "Dookie" is now almost two decades old (released Feb. '94). "American Idiot" was their last hurrah, released almost ten years ago to crowds of adoring eighth graders who are now college graduates. Billie now spends his time nursing a drinking/pill-popping habit, and frustrating his barber with ridiculous demands.

Added Perspective-
"So what?" you say, "2004 wasn't that long ago, really!" Wrong. In that same year this man was trying to get himself into the White House:

Since we're in the middle of a "memory lane" article, 
here's a video you haven't seen for a while.

Also, you sports fans might recall a spectacular Superbowl halftime show from that same year. 



#2- The Year 2000 Was A Great Year in Movies 


Before Game of Thrones, 300, or Troy, there was Gladiator. There were also a ton of other movies released in 2000 you ought to have on your shelf- (ahem) The Perfect Storm, The Replacements, Meet The Parents, Castaway, Unbreakable, The Emperor's New Groove...

This movie is 13 years old

...Gone In 60 Seconds, O Brother Where Art Thou, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, Chicken Run (don't give us that look, you absolutely saw that movie) and even freaking Remember The Titans. In addition to all the great films listed above, many of the movies that enabled Hollywood to coast on sequels for the following 13 years seemed to debut this same year: The first X-Men, the first Scary Movie, Pitch Black, Final Destination, Charlie's Angels, the original Bring It On, and even the first Hunger Games movie Battle Royale

All of those movies were released before the iPod existed.


#3- "Semi-Charmed Life" is Now Old Enough to Drive


Yep- released summer of 1997, Third Eye Blind's best ever single is now 16 years old. The band is now in the middle of one of those fired band member songwriting disputes, delaying the release of their not at all anticipated fifth album. 

Added Perspective-

When "Semi-Charmed Life" was number four on the charts, gas was less than $1.40 a gallon and the President Clinton/Monica Lewinsky scandal was still a year away from being a national punchline. And "Friends" was only in its fourth season.

The season where they finally sleep together and Ross almost marries the English girl.

The fact that "Friends" has been off the air for almost ten years now sums up the major point we're trying to stress here; the world is changing in a weird way. Fads have been born, overhyped, and died all within our lifetimes. Remember Homestar Runner? Remember Panic at the Disco? Remember those silicone wristbands everyone wore for a year? Dare we even mention....Myspace? ('00, '04, '03, '03 respectively). 


-L

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

This Summer's Entertainment (And Where It Came From)




There's a current trend in the entertainment industry, where new movies and TV shows are created from the exact same creative material used in other (more successful and awesome) movies and TV shows. Now, we would never suggest that mashing some things together isn't absolutely awesome

Poptart Ice cream sandwich. You are freaking welcome --Mind Grenades Staff

Plus, it's a given that TV shows and films will all share common elements, especially in their respective genres. There's always going to be conflict, always a heroic journey to be taken, always a pretty girl to save, always good guys and bad guys.

...Sometimes there's good bad guys

But it seems like suddenly TV shows and even a summer blockbuster or two are basically sneaky mashups of other, better things. Let us examine the "ingredients" of the following.....


#1- "Defiance" is Eureka, but with some Stargate (and a touch of Shakespeare)



Defiance is about a town where weird crap happens every day, and the flawed but capable newly-appointed sheriff who just arrived in said town. The new law keeper somewhat reluctantly accepts the job, but since he's stuck in the town and there happens to be a vacant sheriff position, he is now in charge of keeping all the crazy under control, with the assistance of a no-nonsense, butt-kicking female companion who is in no way a love interest. The reluctant Sheriff is stranded in the town with his daughter, but begins to appreciate its quirks and gains a love for it after connecting with the people and shouldering the responsibility as their protector. All of this happens while investigating a deeper conspiracy which will traverse a few seasons worth of episodes.

Oddly enough, that's the exact same plot as the show "Eureka", which ended its fairly successful five season run just last year on the Syfy channel- the same freaking channel now heavily promoting its new series Defiance.




The "similarities" (which is in quotes, because things stop being "similar" when they are identical) don't stop there- there are people in town that don't like each other which is at the root of most every episode's issues, a helpful cop ally that can't decide if he's a regular character on the show or not, and the source of all the town's useful information is the attractive town prostitute/therapist lady.


"Psychiatry and Whoring" is a legit college major in the Syfy universe

Defiance also has some cheap Romeo and Juliet storyline between the ghostly white alien people's goth son and the dirty miner's cute daughter. They sort of jumped the gun in the pilot episode by getting engaged before either character was developed at all, so now one of them will surely die in the season finale. And, if you know anything about the Syfy channel, you know it ain't gonna be the cute girl.



Also, the Syfy channel has replaced the town Bed and Breakfast with a Bar and Brothel.
The future is bright.


#2- "Falling Skies" is The Walking Dead, with Independence Day and Terminator added in


Which, predictably, means it is freaking awesome.

Falling Skies is about the survival of the human race after an alien invasion. As seen in Independence Day, the invaders targeted every major city on the globe in a sudden intergalactic attack. Judgement Day came and went, and with the planet in ruins, all that's left of the Boston area is a few hundred survivors under the command of Coach Yoast from Remember The Titans. 

"We BLITZ...ALL...NIGHT"
--Captain Weaver, probably

After the aliens are done blowing everything up, they send out mechs and scouts to pick off the remaining survivors, with air support every now and then (not too often though or the series would end in like the fourth episode). So Terminator but with aliens. The Walking Dead similarities start with the cast, a band of mostly fighter characters and a couple weak civilians (only included in the show to represent the viewer) comprising the show's main characters. Everyone in The Walking Dead makes an appearance here-

You have your main protagonist, a father with an awesome post-apocalyptic beard and super manly name (Rick/Tom). His motivation for survival is what's left of his family. He is awesome.


The only difference between the two is Tom's woman being Moon Bloodgood, 
and Rick's being an annoying skank.


Then you've got your outlaw who kills more zombies/aliens per episode than the entire rest of the combined cast, and is accidentally even more  awesome than the main father protaganist guy, which means they have to make him sort of overly surly at times. He's the real reason you watch the show, and the guy you hope doesn't get killed off.


Both wear hairstyles that would humiliate the average dude.

Every major character in Falling Skies has a zombie-slaying Walking Dead counterpart; both groups of characters spend a season finding a safe hideout in their respective apocalypses, forming friends and creating foes amongst their ranks, and finally at the end of each season they battle aliens/zombies and vacate their now overrun home in search of a new home (and a renewed season contract). 

**Editor's note: Both of these shows are awesome and worth watching, especially if Independence Day and Terminator are on your movie shelf.


#3- "After Earth" is 10,000 BC and Planet of the Apes

  Box office tanking is inevitable

After Earth is a Will Smith survival movie! That's basically the only thing that's good about it, but...Iron Man 3 was spectacular so nobody's summer is ruined. Will and his son crash land on a mysterious planet inhabited by giant killer animals that will definitely not harm either main character, and *surprise to anyone who hasn't seen a science fiction movie in like the last 30 years* the planet is Earth! Humans vacated the planet hundreds of years earlier after killing it with global warming or whatever. So now everything has evolved specifically to kill humans with giant sharp-clawed deathrage, even though humans haven't lived on the planet for hundreds of years, because everyone knows predators evolve to kill things that are no longer part of their ecosystem. 

This is not the face of a man who understands issues in global climate change,
nor the evolutionary process.

So animals have taken Earth back by becoming gigantic, and in the movie trailer you see what looks like some giant eagles, wolves, and tiger-type beasts. Strangely, apes aren't ever seen, probably so as to avoid distracting from the fact that it's basically just planet of the apes with different predators and Will Smith's son. Maybe apes disappeared with the humans. It's unclear. Surely "After Earth" has nothing to worry about though, everyone knows blockbusters can't bomb when they're starring Will Smith's kid and supersized animals.




-L