Disney Princess Smackdown Rd. I

Welcome back to a Mind Grenades summer tradition: weirding out the NSA by filling up our search history with Disney Princess-related inquiries.

It's been a summer of spotty blogging, especially compared to this site's beginnings back in spring 2013 when we cranked out six articles a month. We hope this post marks the return of frequent writing both for your entertainment and our practice. Also, after today if you ever get in an argument with a friend over which Disney Princess would win in a WWE-style wrestling tournament, you now have a resource to turn to. Dearest readers, welcome to the first ever 

—Disney Smackdown—

Credit Ally Gardner for sharing our very particular sense of humor.

The Rules:

This is a single-elimination tournament pitting 16 of the most popular Disney princesses and heroines against each other in one-on-one WWE-style combat. Injuries sustained in one simulated fight do not carry over into the following round. Special powers like Rapunzel's hair and Ariel's fins are eliminated (worry not— we'll include those for something a little more...gladiatorial...later on). Challengers fight in a standard WWE ring.

Winners are declared victorious by pin, tapout, knockout or fatality. First round match-ups were generated randomly, and the simulations will be completely subjective because seriously, this is all just for fun.

The Bracket:

"But where's ELSA?" some of you might be whining at your lifeless computer screens, "She's my favorite! LET IT GOOOOO, LET IT GOOOOOOOOOOO-" we're just gonna stop you right there. Not only do her ice powers disqualify her from the tournament for making no freaking sense, she also isn't technically a Disney princess and actually kind of the antagonist of "Frozen" for like 80% of the movie. As much as we'd love to describe in graphic detail the brutal beating she'd receive from the majority of the other challengers, it's probably best to save our hatred of "Frozen" for an entirely separate post.

You just keep doing your thing, Olaf. We've got no problem with you.

Time to get started, from the top of the bracket to the bottom:

Ariel (with feet) vs Rapunzel (with short brown hair)

Ding. Ding.

What a fight to start the tournament. The challengers start the fight just staring at each other from across the ring, likely admiring the other's physics-defying hairdo and wondering if their tiny balled fists will actually be able to beat the other into submission. Rapunzel, whose previous fighting experience is limited to defending herself against a nonviolent foe with a frying pan, makes the first move, leaping over the ropes and pulling a metal folding chair out from under the ring. Ariel waits in the corner for daddy Triton to show up and fight her battles for her. It is quickly apparent that Rapunzel means business, and the former mermaid does her best to scamper out of the way as her chair-swinging opponent swiftly approaches.

Ariel, clumsy in her human form, takes an awkward misstep and trips, falling to one knee. Rapunzel takes advantage, aiming a home-run swing at Ariel with the folding chair and......CONNECTS. Lights out.

Result: Rapunzel wins by KO, Ariel eliminated from the tournament but survives the blunt force trauma. Will likely file lawsuit against the Disney Smackdown in 20 years when health complications stemming from the concussion she suffered in the ring finally catch up with her.

Cinderella vs Snow White

DING- within seconds this one turns ugly. Slapping, hair-pulling, awkward pushing around the ring; basically everything you'd expect from an actual WWE Diva bout. Cinderella slowly gains the upper hand, as her years of janitorial work and pent-up family issues begin showing in her ferocity and functional strength. Snow, realizing the match is slipping out of her favor, escapes the onslaught by sliding under the ropes and out of the ring. Cinderella climbs to the top of the padded turnbuckle in pursuit.

This is a turnbuckle. 

Turn on Summerslam every once in a while.

Cinderella leaps into the air, aiming to land on Snow and end the fight early— Snow rolls out of the way, causing Cinderella to crash onto the ground in spectacular fashion. The official begins counting, as Snow climbs safely back into the ring. The count is six, and Cinderella is staggering back toward the ring with an obviously damaged hip. The count is eight, and she's not going to make it. The count is ten, and this match is over— Cinderella has run out of time.

Result: Snow White wins by Time Out. Cinderella suffers a fractured hip and damaged tailbone requiring multiple corrective surgeries, preventing her from walking in heels for the remainder of her days.

Tiana (Princess and the Frog) vs Anna (Frozen)

Diversity!

Tiana, who grew up as a working class woman in New Orleans, stares across the ring at Anna, a princess by birth, who spent 18 years wandering around a castle. The bell sounds. Tiana, used to dealing with drunken brawlers in her restaurant, picks Anna up with ease and immediately drops her to the mat with the first ever Disney Powerslam.

Anna rolls away and forces herself back on her feet, obviously in pain but not done with this match quite yet. Tiana advances, but charges too quickly; Anna sidesteps, Tiana hits the ropes and rebounds— Anna is ready, catching Tiana with a clothesline and dropping her hard to the mat. Anna, used to play-wrestling with Kristoff (who is approximately 3x Anna's size) suddenly drops on top of Tiana and uses the only move she knows— the armbar.

No results for "Anna Frozen Tiana Armbar"? Shame on you, internet.

Result: Anna advances with a tap out victory most everyone agrees was a massive upset, Tiana eliminated but survives the match.

Pocahontas vs Mulan

Two of the most capable fighters in the  tournament enter the ring for what is surely the most hotly anticipated first round matchup. The fight begins as the challengers size each other up, pacing slowly around the ring. Pocahontas catches Mulan in the jaw with a few quick jabs, but Mulan draws upon her harsh military training to counter her opponent's next punch, throwing Pocahontas to the ground. 

Mulan drops down to pin her, but Pocahontas grabs her and rolls both of them out of the ring. Mulan, unused to being without her loyal Eddie Murphy lizard and lucky cricket, seems lost for a moment— Pocahontas takes advantage, cracking Mulan with a flying knee to the face. Mulan lays outside the ring with a fractured jaw as Pocahontas ascends the ropes to pull off the first ever Disney finishing move. 

Seriously, start watching wrestling.

Pocahontas looks down from the top rope at the reeling Mulan, and leaps—

Obligatory.

—BUT MISSES. Mulan pushes herself out of the way out of pure survival instinct, while Pocahontas crashes to the ground in a heap. 

Mulan crawls back into the ring, and referee begins counting. "SIX" yells the official, as Pocahontas makes it to her feet. The count is nine when Pocahontas climbs the ropes once again, and rather than simply reentering the ring she aims to catch Mulan by surprise, leaping into the air at her opponent a second time. An unwise choice.

Mulan sends a flying kick directly at Pocahontas' face and connects, and it is awesome. Of course at this point in an actual wrestling match, John Smith and Captain Shang would come out of the tunnel and duke it out, which would be equally awesome.

This movie needs to happen.

The kick puts Pocahontas to sleep, and Mulan takes a bow.

Result: Mulan wins by KO, Pocahontas eliminated for getting kicked right in the face. 

Jane vs Aurora

*yawn*

What is this, a play-in game? The match begins with Aurora standing shyly in the corner. Jane is hoping that since everyone forgot she existed anyway, maybe she can just slip out and nobody will notice. Jane's foot catches the bottom rope as she escapes the ring, tripping her. She slams her head against the metal stairs and is instantly killed. Disney execs erupt in riotous celebration, hoping they can finally erase Jane from everyone's memory for good. 

Result: Aurora advances. Disney destroys all evidence of Jane's existence.

Belle vs Esmerelda

Esmerelda charges Belle the moment the match begins, knocking her over and splitting her own lip in the process. Belle lays on the mat, apparently out cold. Esmerelda, firmly believing the match is in her control, extracts a table from beneath the ring and begins to set it up. Belle attacks the overconfident gypsy from behind and tries to put her in a headlock, but Esmerelda easily throws Belle's wispy form off and punches her eight or nine times in the face. Esmerelda leaves the bloodied-up Belle slumped against the turnbuckle and returns to setting up the table in the middle of the ring. Belle seizes the only opening she's likely to get, quickly rising and sprinting towards Esmerelda. 

"You gypsy b*tch!" yells Belle, just as Esmerelda turns to face her. Belle launches herself at her foe, knocking Esmerelda clean off her feet and spearing her into the table.

Esmerelda's broken form lays on the shattered table, unmoving. Belle rises to her feet and spits a tooth onto the mat.

Result: The bookish Frenchwoman advances. Esmerelda is looking at about 12 months of rehab, but her insurance will only cover 30 days, citing her crushed back as a pre-existing condition from her years as a dancer. Thanks, Obamacare.

Merida vs Meg

Casual fans who watched too much ESPN before the match have been blabbing about Meg for the past two weeks, falsely assuming that athletic prowess is directly proportional to media coverage. Meg's ever-popular sassy attitude has gained her over 12 million twitter followers, and she's recently been considered one of the most elite Disney females of all time.

"Megara is most definitely on the #MountRushmore of #DisneyCharacters, and will #Absolutely crush #Merida in the upcoming #Smackdown" tweeted Skip Bayless just days ago.

The moment this fight begins, Meg is on the wrong end of an ass-kicking for the ages. As Merida begins beating the ever-living tar out of her opponent, fans and analysts alike begin to realize their beloved star has never actually faced a foe like this before, and they are now witnesses to a brutal, bloody, epic beatdown. 

Sports fans haven't viewed a seemingly "elite" team completely deconstructed like this since, like, the World Cup the NBA finals and Super Bowl XLVIII.

Result: Merida advances; leaves ring to ice her sore hands. Meg is now unrecognizable. The higher-ups at Disney Smackdown will evaluate the rules before next year to accommodate their sport's most popular star.

Kida (Atlantis, duh) vs Jasmine

**If you don't recognize Kida, you missed out on Disney's lone foray into the sci-fi genre. Atlantis was awesome. Disney doesn't talk about it much because it doesn't really have any marketable qualities, and if you can't sell tons of related crap at Disneyland, there's no reason to acknowledge the film's existence. 


The final battle of round one begins. Jasmine can hold her own, and exchanges body blows with Kida as the two box in the middle of the ring. Jasmine catches Kida's left eye with a nasty hook, causing it to swell shut. Both challengers remain on their feet, throwing quick strikes and then backing away. Kida starts to use her weight advantage, shoving the impossibly small Jasmine into the corner. Kida throws a haymaker, looking for a knockout punch. Jasmine dodges just in time and hammers Kida in her damaged eye, sending the Atlantian reeling across the ring. 

Jasmine runs at Kida, ready to clothesline her to the mat and end the fight with a pin. Kida surprises the incoming attacker with a scooping powerslam, using Jasmine's own momentum to pulverize her into the mat. The ref drops to the mat—1—2—3—Kida pins Jasmine and advances to the second round. 

Result: Kida wins, Jasmine survives

That's it for round I, Here's our updated bracket:

The plan is to do the remainder of the tournament in one single post within the next two or three days, and after that...the real fun begins.

Three words: Disney Hunger Games.

-L

Soccer Tiebreaker Solutions

As it stands right now, Soccer ties are broken in elimination games with a shootout, following 30 (excruciating) minutes of overtime. "Shootouts are awesome!" you say? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. It isn't the worst overtime system in place in a major sport, THAT'S for sure.

But because controversy is what we're all about today at Mind Grenades, here are some awesome alternatives we just thought up:

Flop Cards

Yes — flop cards. In addition to the red and yellow penalty cards issued over the course of a game, referees would award flop cards (Blue ones maybe? Primary colors and all…) to players blatantly faking injury. If the game is tied at the end of 120 minutes of play, the team with fewer flop penalties wins.

Boom.

This fixes everything. No more ties, no more wasting time at the end of a close game in hopes that you can pull out a shootout win, and far fewer national heroes rolling around on the ground as if they'd been shot in the kneecap.

Christiano Ronaldo? Never heard of her.

And what's more, teams still have something to play for if they draw several flop cards instead of holding off a superior team for two hours.

[Standby for the upcoming "Ways to fix NBA flopping" article.]


Extra Soccer Ball

90 minutes down and still no goals? No problem: extra time means an extra soccer ball. Now teams will have to run around like we all did in fifth grade trying to keep track of two different balls. If the first 15 minutes of extra time passes without a score or if the teams are still tied, add a third ball and play until the first goal — sudden death makes everything better.


Goalie Time

Everyone clears off the field except the goalies and a teammate of their choice. The teammate mans the goal. The ball is set at centerfield and the goalies race from opposite ends of the field in a battle of physical speed and mental chicken. Collisions at home plate will be nothing compared to the first time two headstrong goalies collide in the middle of the pitch. 2 on 2 soccer decides the game.

Dodgeball rules

When extra time begins, goalies must keep to dodgeball rules — if they swat a ball away, they're out. If it hits them in any way and they don't catch it, they're out. Open net. If they do catch the ball, the player who tried to score is out. This would add a thrilling new dynamic to extra time.


Losing team gets heads shaven

Games that go to extra time now have added stakes — the entire losing team must shave their heads directly after the game. In just a few years, longer hair in soccer would grow to become a sign of elite level dominance.


-L

3 Things Popularized By Facebook Profile Picture Jealousy

After walking through things we hate about Facebook News Feeds last week, here we are again talking about social media. We promise to get back to Disney movies soon.

1. Color Festivals

Indian dance, drama, musical concerts, good food, exhibits, and gifts are what make Spanish Fork's Festival of Colors a popular attraction for people from all over the state of Utah.

Ha, just kidding. 

Despite being a most excellent place to learn about and celebrate a Hindu culture that most college-aged Utahns know next-to-nothing about, the festival is popular for one reason, and that reason is throwing ground-up chalk on strangers while you jump around like a total moron.

...And then of course posting an album of colorful "selfies" on Facebook immediately after, accompanied by about 1,000 hashtags so everyone will know how extraverted you are, and how you like to go out and do things. 

Spanish Fork's color festival occurs sometime mid-August, right before the start of fall semester at several major Utah universities. School starts, students meet new friends, everyone tracks everyone else down on Facebook, and boom — the color festival trend is spread year after year by people who will "totally be doing that next year!"

2. Color Runs/The "Tough Mudder"/Other Obstacle Course Events

These events exist for attention-whores. We here at Mind Grenades actually know some real-life hardcore runners, and we're pretty sure they'd never go near any of these events. There are plenty of races out there to challenge actual athletes looking to accomplish an impressive feat, like the Ironman triathlon, which consists of 2.4-mile swim, a 112-mile bicycle ride and a full freaking 26.2-mile marathon run, raced in that order and without a break. You don't see a lot of selflies on Facebook following an Ironman Triathlon, because

1. It's rare to even know someone who's actually done it- thus the appeal of completing the event. 

2. After completing an Ironman, most people look like this:

People know it's impressive to run a marathon or an Ironman, but that actually takes training and stuff, so events like the "Tough Mudder" and other races that use obstacles as gimmicks to draw crowds try to mimic the sense of accomplishment earned by the Ironman finisher without forcing their participants into near-cardiac arrest. The result is a bunch of big-headed college kids who believe what the Tough Mudder website is selling:

"Tough Mudder is a 10-12 mile (18-20 km) obstacle course designed to test all-around strength, stamina, teamwork, and mental grit. Tough Mudder is Probably the Toughest Event on the Planet. Probably."

Yeah, no.

Of course, the Tough Mudder people are supposed to say ridiculous things like that — the marketability of their event depends on people talking about how "hardcore" it is. Take about 60 seconds to explore that website. You'll notice you start reading everything in that voice that directs those Ford F150 commercials, because each word of self-promoting garbage oozes of "This event will put hair on your chest and make you a man/make you a strong independent woman who don't need no man!"

Here's the deal: real "hardcore" events are trained for and earned, and thus respected for being something the majority of people will never accomplish. Running a 10k through some mud and taking pictures afterward like you just survived freaking judgement day isn't hardcore, it's just an excuse to post pictures to Facebook without makeup.

Not all "non-traditional" races are necessarily bad, but they all know you'll pay $50 for a T-shirt and a three-mile run because you're going to selfie the crap out of their event and keep their numbers of participants skyrocketing.

You train for and complete a marathon to prove something to yourself; these expensive gimmicky runs exist to add some spice to your desired social media persona.

3. Graffiti, Cliff-Jumping, and Other Illegal Summer Activities

As noted here, some activities your Facebook friends have been getting into this summer are probably less-than-legal, but make pretty great profile pictures. Or classy wedding photos. Because Utah.

There was originally more to this section of this post, but it's kind of depressing to talk about newly-married people dying from botched base-jump attempts at Zion's National Park, so just trust us on this — no matter how awesome your buddy's cliff-diving picture is, know that he's lucky the universe didn't decide to snap his neck. Don't do anything illegal this summer, even if you think it will get you more "likes", and don't suffer from profile picture envy. Live your life.

-L

A Quick Summary of Your Facebook News Feed

This post began as a simple Facebook status, before blossoming into an embarrassingly accurate summation of what I believe we all see on our news feeds day after day. Yes, I realize I risk offending literally every friend I have on Facebook over this one post. I'd hope that we could all see the humor in how formulaic our social habits have become. If not…….oops.

Let's take it from the top:

Some pics from my adventure to some exotic locale!

Yeah we get it, Europe is awesome. So are beaches. Guess what the last thing we want to see on our feeds happens to be? Well, pregnancy photos actually, but we'll get to that later. Have you ever experienced taking a lunch break from stocking shelves at Walmart just to see your buddy's endless vacation pictures? That's a real painful life-evaluation moment. 


Federal Judge Strikes Down Oregon's/Some Other State's Gay Marriage Ban!

100% of your Facebook friends are thrilled about it! That, or maybe those friends of yours who aren't thrilled about it have just kept a lid on it to avoid being called an intolerant bigot by friends and family. 

"Now that I'm a wise twenty-something, it is my right to hastily label any beliefs that 

conflict with mine as "intolerance." — Everyone

At least three status updates per hour read "Oregon FINALLY sees the light" or something to that affect, which makes us wonder how that makes certain groups feel about having to wait nearly 200 years for their rights to be recognized.

1776-1964 was a long freaking time.

Raising politics, science, religion and other important topics to the plane of discussion is an important exercise for any responsible citizen to engage in. It's also really freaking stupid to do on Facebook. 

Nobody cares about your political opinion enough to click the "view more comments" link and fully grasp the context of your undoubtedly insightful comment. People are on Facebook because they have nothing better to do; it is a place to think about nothing. Even if your comment gets several "likes," it just means some people read your first sentence and were like "Yeah I think I like where you were going with that…but I ain't got time to read no paragraph of text."

Every internet argument over a significant issue will always boil down to "Well I guess we just think differently about things," which many would consider a positive attribute of our human nature.

I have been pregnant for the last 8 months, it's time for photo updates!

No, it isn't. *

You know this person. I know this person. We like these people. We have nothing against them. Nothing except the constant stream of bare-belly progress photos and indecipherable ultrasounds coming from the understandably excited soon-to-be parent. Every child born in the 21st century doesn't need its own Truman show level coverage. In fact, everyone should take a break from Facebook and go watch the Truman Show right now. 

*If you are now pregnant or may become pregnant, Mind Grenades strongly advises against seeing 'Prometheus'.

Also, under no circumstance do you ever need to show your bare stomach to the internet. Cool scar? Don't wanna see it. New piercing/tattoo? Still don't wanna see it. Working on your six-pack? 

Hey guys if you didn't already know, I've been going to the gym for the past 18 months!

"You prolly didn't know, though."

We all have a gym friend. To a degree, we are all equal parts happy for and jealous of said gym friend. It's not so much the picture updates that get on our nerves; if anything, that's excellent motivation to stop staring at rectangular screens for an hour and to get outside. What really sucks about the gym friend is that 99% of the time, the gym friend is also the hashtag abuser and #instagram #addict.

Signs you may be an instagram addict:

1. You refer to it as your "insta"

2. You check daily how many followers your "insta" has

3. You gain self-worth from attracting insta-followers, who are actually only following you because they themselves are trying to attract more followers.

We GET it. Everyone loves everyone.

Signs you might be a hashtag abuser:

1. You use hashtags.

It's about this point on your news feed when BuzzFeed starts posting sponsored links with titles like "OMG #13 is so true, you'll die laughing when you find out."

Then comes a sweet looking picture of something delicious.

"Made these today ;)"

Right after that is the conservative, borderline anarchist conspiracy theorist friend.

The friend who posts stuff about gun rights occasionally is not who we're talking about. We mean the guy that's on a one-man mission to impeach Obama, who thinks he looks like this:

But in fact comes off looking like this:

Mostly he posts obscure links that, if true, would probably be broadcast on more reliable news outlets. Except remember, the media is out to brainwash us all into being subservient citizens, and only a few know the truth. Which is why the country isn't divided at all over every major issue facing our generation.

Time for the Jack Threads advertisement!

Now is when most people realize they've browsed Facebook for too long and really need to do something with their lives. Scrolling down further than the Jack Threads ad means you truly are bored and/or don't have a Netflix account.

That's all for this post, hopefully feelings are not hurt too bad. Because come on — we managed to reference How I Met Your Mother, Jim Crowe laws, BroScience, Josie and the Pussycats AND John Malkovich's character from RED all in one article.

-L