6 Movies You Didn't Know Were Being Released In 2014

You probably heard they were making a "300" sequel; you probably hadn't heard

that Vesper Lynd was starring in it. 

It's a safe bet that if you liked any movie released in the past two years, its sequel will be released in 2014. Whether or not that's a good thing is a discussion for a future date; fact is, many of these sequels should be so awesome they physically pin you to your soda-stained seat. Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, Captain America: Winter Soldier, a new Bond film, a new Spiderman, and another Fast and Furious installment are just a few of the many exciting movies headed towards future-us. Of course there will also be a ton of sequels coming out that are totally unnecessary, but if Hollywood knows for a fact a movie will rake in the cash, that movie gets made- Rio 2, Journey to the ______ 3, yet another Tyler Perry movie, 21 Jump Street 2, How To Train Your Dragon 2, another Transformers movie, and a third Despicable Me.

We're not saying all of those will be bad (though some of them totally will be), but are there any movies that aren't sequels? Have you heard about anything coming out next year that's not related to anything we'll see in theaters this summer? Seems like all the hype is about superhero movies and the Hunger Games, when there's actually a whole lot of other awesome things developing...


#1- Ninja Turtles

Yes, Ninja Turtles is happening next summer. At a glance there is cause for major concern, since it's a live-action blockbuster reboot of a childhood favorite cartoon starring Megan Fox and being directed by the explosion fetishist frat-boy director Michael Bay. The Transformers franchise has made a ton of money despite each movie being about an hour too long and every single character with a speaking part trying to be the comic relief.

And generally sucking at it.

But here's the good part: the segments of Transformers movies that actually involved building-sized robots destroying each other were undeniably terrific. Transformers 2 was an unbearably long movie with unacceptable amounts of crappy acting in it, but people paid nine bucks to sit in their seats and wait patiently until Optimus Prime wailed on four decepticons at once, and then the price of admission was worth it. The parts of the Transformers movies that actually starred the Transformers were awesome, it's the rest of the movie that gets in the way.

This leads us to believe that even in the probable event of a convoluted script and bad Megan Fox actressing, April O'Neil and the gritty CGI Ninja Turtles reboot will be worth watching simply because seeing a favorite cartoon from your childhood brought to life with today's butt-kicking movie magic is the very reason we're all in the middle of a superhero comic book nerd-fantasy entertainment binge in the first place. Because it rocks.

#2- The LEGO Movie

If you aren't totally psyched for next year's LEGO movie, you may not be familiar with LEGO's fantastic (and usually surprising) brand of legitimately clever comedy in their very successful line of video games. Wondering how that will translate to a feature-length film? Here's Wikipedia's plot overview:

"Emmet, an ordinary guy, is mistaken as being the one who can save the universe. With the aid of an old mystic, a tough female and Batman, Emmet will fight to defeat the evil tyrant bent on destroying the universe by gluing it together."

If you are still less-than-100%-amped, than perhaps we should mention who's attached to the project. Voicing Mr. LEGO Batman up there will be Arrested Development's Will Arnett (Gob will be the voice of Batman...let that sink in for a minute). Will Farrell will be voicing the villainous "President Business", and Liam Neeson will lend his voice to a character listed simply as "Bad Cop". 

Liam Neeson, the king of greek gods, master Jedi warrior, Aslan the god-lion, the ultraninja batman villain, hunter of european kidnappers and puncher of wild arctic wolves, is gonna be "Bad Cop" in the LEGO movie.

Community's Alison Brie and the love interest from that football movie "Invincible" Elizabeth Banks will also play major characters. If for some reason you are humorless enough to not find the prospect of Liam Neeson, Will Farrell, and a Will Arnett-voiced LEGO Batman awesome on a gut-busting level, here's one last kicker- guess who's voicing the aforementioned "old mystic"?

We BS you not.

#3- The Book Thief

"This is the only non-creepy picture of death on the internet, and it's Ian McKellen"

-Mind Grenades Photo Staff

A few years ago when most people were busy reading The Hunger Games, a book narrated by death himself became popular among book clubs and for good reason- it's pretty great actually. Considering the holocaust is the single most popular topic to write about ever, it's hard to get your WWII era book noticed. Having the grim reaper introduce himself and tell you who in the book dies in the first few pages is an interesting twist. The movie adaptation will be awesome, and most people won't get excited for the film's release until they see a teaser-trailer, because people just don't read books anymore that aren't about angsty teenage love triangles.  

A new death tournament and a super awesome rebellion are supposed to be happening, 

but sure, tell us more about your boy situation. 

#4, 5, and 6 Each Involve Epic Casting Calls 

First, Angelina Jolie is starring in the dark fairytale film "Maleficent", titled after arguably the greatest villain in the Disney universe. And before you protest that claim, just try to think of any other evil witch capable of entrancing a princess in a hypnotic deathsleep and doing this to prevent Prince Phillip from saving the day:

Holy Crap this was a kids movie?

Little Mermaid's Ursula did what exactly? Turned into a Macy's Day Parade version of herself and died from being impaled by a boat? Lame. Maleficent is a sorceress with "all the powers of Hell", and she's gonna have her own film next year starring Mrs. Jolie. 

Next, The Rock is starring in a Hercules movie, which sounds pretty good in theory. Considering "Clash of the Titans" managed to screw up the storyline to stories that have existed for thousands of years, and the recent "Conan The Barbarian" flopped, we're all due for a solid "Man with a colossal figure and super strength takes on impossible odds" movie. Actually, when written like that Hercules is basically a superhero. Ever wonder if ancient Grecian children wanted to be awesome like Hercules someday the way today's kids want to be Batman? They're essentially the same guy.

Impossible muscle definition: check. 

Ridiculous animal-themed costume to kick butt in: check. 

Incapable of keeping love interest alive: sad check.

Lastly, Ridley Scott's next project is entitled "Exodus", and is rumored to be starring Christian Bale in the role of Moses. Considering Scott is the man who gave us the exceptionally epic "Gladiator" as well as a seriously awesome "Robin Hood", the Bible may finally be in theaters again after way too long of a big screen drought. 

Charlton Heston was your grandparents' Harrison Ford; show a little respect.

There's a lot to be excited for in 2014 involving hobbits and marvel comics, but now you know there's much to look forward to next year beyond the cgi spandex wearing heroes undeserving of a sequel and another try at Robocop. There are movies based on books with imaginative ideas, movies about legit vampires, and movies that start with the word "Godzilla". 

Should be an interesting year.

-L

5 Reasons Rockstars Win At Life

I think there's a part of every human being that wants to be a rockstar. Not just out of a desire to be rich and famous, and not just for the chance we may merit an invite to Johnny Depp's birthday party; I mean everyone wants to be a crowds and lights and distortion kind of rockstar.

You may be reading this thinking "Not I! That's not my lifestyle. I don't like performing in front of people. I don't do drugs. I have no desire to jump in a hilariously large pile of money like Scrooge McDuck (liar, of course you do). Well the deal is this: 

First, as evidenced by anything that has to do with social media, people want to be heard. Everyone has something they want to say and to have that something be listened to and appreciated. Never has anything been more effective at conveying an emotion than the rockstar. We all want to be able to scream out what we feel like and have 30, 000 people scream back to us in positive affirmation that our screaming sounds hellagood.

This man could sing us all the phone book, and we would freaking listen to it.

Second, as a culture we all do this thing every year on January 1st where we examine ourselves and think of the ways we'd most like to change. We decide we can be better than we now are, and resolve to become this better version of ourselves. 

But you know what? We forget about all this by about mid-February (and that's being generous). We all have an innate hatred of change, and what we actually want is to stay just the way we are, but for everyone to think that's awesome.

You know who's considered the pinnacle of awesomeness without even attempting any of this self-improvement stuff we all subject ourselves to? Rockstars. The following is a list of the five most common New Years Resolutions, and how being a rockstar gets you out of every single one.

#5 Better Work/Life Balance

Another day at the office.

When you're a rockstar, there's no need to balance your work life with your "real life" because you'll be too busy living your constant awesome life. It can be a huge point of stress to wonder if you're spending too much time at the office instead of at home where you ought to be. This stress goes out the window when you take a break from thrilling stadiums full of adoring fans and take a 1.5 Million Dollar Cruise.

What is there to balance? Your "job" is awesome, your life outside of performing is doing the stuff celebrities do, which pretty much just means chilling with other celebrities.

It's a tough gig.

#4 Quit Smoking

Why would you do that? It's a pretty well-documented fact that rockstars get rejected by Death more frequently than any other group of people on the planet.

Probably because Death still sees potential for a few more albums

Travis Barker of Blink 182 was one of only two survivors in a plane crash. 

T.I. called the ambulance that saved the life of Creed's frontman Scott Stapp after fracturing his skull from an alcohol related 40-ft plunge off a balcony.

Ozzy survived years of being Ozzy, plus an ATV disaster.

Metallica's James Hetfield was sidelined just three weeks after an unfortunate encounter with a pyrotechnic device which left him with 3rd degree burns.

Taylor Hawkins overdosed on heroin and woke up after two days in a coma to concerned fellow Foo Fighter Dave Grohl, to which he uttered "Eff off", which is how rockstars say "I love you, bro". (The experience had a profound effect on Grohl, and you should really click that link because it's awesome).

And of course Nikki Sixx actually, you know died. Of a heroin overdose. Then was alive again enough to return home to his apartment to do more heroin. He's rumored to have overdosed six times, and is alive and kicking today, apparently a pretty sweet guy.

Obviously rockers are built of tougher stuff than the rest of us. That means if you were one, all the destructive bad habits of your daily life would all of a sudden be pardoned by the universe and replaced with a few extra lives, because forget karma.

#3 Learn Something New

First off, this is a lazy man's new year's resolution. We learn new stuff all the time, and to make that your goal for the whole year is kind of pathetic. It's a pretty safe bet you'll learn something this very week, like not to "like" Boys Like Girls on your Pandora radio because it'll screw everything up. Unless you get specific and say "learn a new language" or "learn how to survive an avalanche" it's a pretty safe goal and in no way a resolution that will change you. It's similar to the "be more kind" goal. How the freak will you gauge that next December 31st? I digress.

As the frontman of your awesome rock band, you will learn new songs, meet new people, and do new fun awesome things all the time. You won't ever have to worry about not having new experiences to keep you entertained because it's pretty lucrative to have 30,000 people in 50 cities pay 100-400 dollars a person to see you be awesome. How lucrative? Glad you asked. 

As seen here, U2's 360° Tour netted around three quarters of a billion dollars. To earn that amount of money without being a rockstar, you and 442 of your (guy) friends would need to pool every cent you make every year for the entire rest of your lives. Or if you wanted to have that pool of cash in the next year, you could combine your year's income with 19,392 of your closest friends.

Look at you, learning something new (on the internet, no less).

#2 Drink Less

"Still too soon, change before publishing"--Editor

The resolution of all those who wake up January 1st assuming they'll never be dumb enough to put their bodies through that sort of torture ever again, this is the second most popular new year's resolution (and it's funny that it isn't "quit drinking altogether,  because it's bad" but instead "drink less, so as to minimize the amount of bad")

Somehow this has become a celebrated part of the rockstar lifestyle, probably because the rocker is, in essence, a rebel. Whatever things you aren't supposed to do, they do, to prove those things can be done without consequence and that it's actually the best way to live.

"This is strike two."--Editor

We're all pretty much resigned to the fact that celebrities of all types do ridiculous things. It takes a lot to shock us now. There's no way to prove this, but we here at Mind Grenades ascribe this numbing of our insanity-meters to the fact that up until recently, rock bands were actively attempting to out-crazy each other all the time. It began decades ago with musicians blowing up their own instruments and escalated to that unfortunate incident with the tampon. Rock has died since, and the latest interesting thing to happen in music was Kanye West at the VMAs. The hair-metal bands of the '80s would be ashamed. 

Drinking will always be the heavy rocker's calling card, because if there's something that makes you act stupid and rots your insides, it is a rocker's solemn obligation to be the literal poster boy for that very thing.

#1 Exercise

What? Have you looked at a famous musician lately? One that's considered a "legend"? If there's one lesson to be learned in the world of legendary rockers, it's this; none of your fans care what you look like. At all. That's why rockers can look like Steve Perry.

Love you, Steve.

And Keith Richards.

It may be the single greatest thing about rock legends. To make it in the pop world, you have to have Jonas brother genes, or be created in a lab like Katy Perry. To be a rockstar, you just have to be unquestionably awesome. No rippling muscles necessary, not even a handsome face, just the ability to ignite a crowd with a guitar solo and a pair of Chuck Taylors. Once you're a rockstar, your issues with drinking and your inability to find a barber you like are no longer personality flaws; they are your persona.

Sadly the closest we'll ever be to that legendary status is being able to nail a hard solo on "Guitar Hero"and beat an animated Tom Morello. But in each of us will always live an inner rocker.

-L

Things The World Needs

Yes.

The most obvious answer is "bacon", the next most obvious answer being "love" (some here on the editorial staff would argue that the words are synonymous). Here are things the world needs.

#1- A Reverse Microwave Oven

No, not a freezer. An appliance that I can put my melty milkshake into and zap it for thirty seconds, cooling it back down to the desired consistency. The applications here are numerous, and considering the microwave has been around for over 50 years, you'd think that it's counterpart would be a mainstay in every kitchen by now. The science is out there, somebody make this happen. 

If you aren't sold on the idea that this a great potential invention, I would also point out that there are untold numbers of youtube videos featuring people microwaving stupid stuff. And these videos happen to be awesome. By now most people know what happens when you microwave an egg, but what happens when you hyper-freeze it?

If we're lucky, the same thing.

#2- iTunes For TV Shows

Everyone who owns a TV pays for more channels than they actually watch. Instead of braving the ghetto of the internet to find episodes of my favorite TV show, I'd rather just pay for the one channel or even just the one show the same way I do for my music. This is different than Netflix and similar services, since you don't always find what you're looking for on those services and you still pay for crap you don't want. There's a reason they don't package the six songs you want to buy with 1,000 others you couldn't care less about. 

A bonus to safe, virus-free TV watching on my laptop is not having to deal with these idiots ever ever again.

#3 More Dilly Bars

220 calories on the end of a wooden stick somehow 

sums up an entire childhood.

I realize the world already has Dilly Bars, but I'm saying we need more of them. When was the last time you had one? Better question, when was the last time you were truly happy?

#4 Things That Fly

Flying skateboard, flying car, I'll even take a flying bike if that's all we have. Seriously though, humanity managed to put some guys on the moon back when a computer took up an entire room. Today we have more complex computers that fit in our pants pockets, yet our vehicles are sadly still a slave to gravity and gas prices. I feel like we let the space race generation down a little bit. They were thinking back then, "Wow if we put a man on the moon today, I wonder what we'll be doing in 50 years!" Sadly, the answer to their question is "Touch screen technology that allows us to play Angry Birds in class instead of listening to the boring lecture!"

-L