Monday, May 19, 2014

A Quick Summary of Your Facebook News Feed

This post began as a simple Facebook status, before blossoming into an embarrassingly accurate summation of what I believe we all see on our news feeds day after day. Yes, I realize I risk offending literally every friend I have on Facebook over this one post. I'd hope that we could all see the humor in how formulaic our social habits have become. If not…….oops.

Let's take it from the top:

Some pics from my adventure to some exotic locale!

Yeah we get it, Europe is awesome. So are beaches. Guess what the last thing we want to see on our feeds happens to be? Well, pregnancy photos actually, but we'll get to that later. Have you ever experienced taking a lunch break from stocking shelves at Walmart just to see your buddy's endless vacation pictures? That's a real painful life-evaluation moment. 

Federal Judge Strikes Down Oregon's/Some Other State's Gay Marriage Ban!

100% of your Facebook friends are thrilled about it! That, or maybe those friends of yours who aren't thrilled about it have just kept a lid on it to avoid being called an intolerant bigot by friends and family. 

"Now that I'm a wise twenty-something, it is my right to hastily label any beliefs that 
conflict with mine as "intolerance." — Everyone

At least three status updates per hour read "Oregon FINALLY sees the light" or something to that affect, which makes us wonder how that makes certain groups feel about having to wait nearly 200 years for their rights to be recognized.

1776-1964 was a long freaking time.

Raising politics, science, religion and other important topics to the plane of discussion is an important exercise for any responsible citizen to engage in. It's also really freaking stupid to do on Facebook. 

Nobody cares about your political opinion enough to click the "view more comments" link and fully grasp the context of your undoubtedly insightful comment. People are on Facebook because they have nothing better to do; it is a place to think about nothing. Even if your comment gets several "likes," it just means some people read your first sentence and were like "Yeah I think I like where you were going with that…but I ain't got time to read no paragraph of text."

Every internet argument over a significant issue will always boil down to "Well I guess we just think differently about things," which many would consider a positive attribute of our human nature.

I have been pregnant for the last 8 months, it's time for photo updates!

No, it isn't. *

You know this person. I know this person. We like these people. We have nothing against them. Nothing except the constant stream of bare-belly progress photos and indecipherable ultrasounds coming from the understandably excited soon-to-be parent. Every child born in the 21st century doesn't need its own Truman show level coverage. In fact, everyone should take a break from Facebook and go watch the Truman Show right now. 

*If you are now pregnant or may become pregnant, Mind Grenades strongly advises against seeing 'Prometheus'.

Also, under no circumstance do you ever need to show your bare stomach to the internet. Cool scar? Don't wanna see it. New piercing/tattoo? Still don't wanna see it. Working on your six-pack? 

Hey guys if you didn't already know, I've been going to the gym for the past 18 months!

"You prolly didn't know, though."

We all have a gym friend. To a degree, we are all equal parts happy for and jealous of said gym friend. It's not so much the picture updates that get on our nerves; if anything, that's excellent motivation to stop staring at rectangular screens for an hour and to get outside. What really sucks about the gym friend is that 99% of the time, the gym friend is also the hashtag abuser and #instagram #addict.

Signs you may be an instagram addict:

1. You refer to it as your "insta"
2. You check daily how many followers your "insta" has
3. You gain self-worth from attracting insta-followers, who are actually only following you because they themselves are trying to attract more followers.

We GET it. Everyone loves everyone.

Signs you might be a hashtag abuser:

1. You use hashtags.

It's about this point on your news feed when BuzzFeed starts posting sponsored links with titles like "OMG #13 is so true, you'll die laughing when you find out."

Then comes a sweet looking picture of something delicious.

"Made these today ;)"

Right after that is the conservative, borderline anarchist conspiracy theorist friend.

The friend who posts stuff about gun rights occasionally is not who we're talking about. We mean the guy that's on a one-man mission to impeach Obama, who thinks he looks like this:

But in fact comes off looking like this:

Mostly he posts obscure links that, if true, would probably be broadcast on more reliable news outlets. Except remember, the media is out to brainwash us all into being subservient citizens, and only a few know the truth. Which is why the country isn't divided at all over every major issue facing our generation.

Time for the Jack Threads advertisement!

Now is when most people realize they've browsed Facebook for too long and really need to do something with their lives. Scrolling down further than the Jack Threads ad means you truly are bored and/or don't have a Netflix account.

That's all for this post, hopefully feelings are not hurt too bad. Because come on — we managed to reference How I Met Your Mother, Jim Crowe laws, BroScience, Josie and the Pussycats AND John Malkovich's character from RED all in one article.


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