Wouldn't you know it, I have something to say

I wish "Can't we all just get along?" wasn't such a mocked phrase, there's some wisdom in it.

This morning, nationwide marriage equality became a reality, prompting about half the people you know to change their profile pictures to stock rainbow avatars they found on google image search, and the other half to post walls of text explaining how the fabric of our nation is unravelling at a disturbing rate.

I feel like I've written about three or four "Everybody just chill" columns in the past few months, but that doesn't seem to be working so today's is more than that. This is about how our inability to communicate is crippling everything we hold dear. Also, this is still mostly an entertainment blog, which means movie references for days.

Which really add to the substance of the column if you're sharp enough.

Everybody is connected and nobody understands each other

And it's getting old. The miracle that is social media somehow erodes our ability to discuss, discover, disagree (with class), and assume the best in others. I'm as guilty as anybody, but I have a feeling I'm not the only one here. When someone disagrees with you in person, there's a chance for redemption, for finding common ground, for a morsel of mutual respect despite differences. 

When someone disagrees with you on the internet, they're an asshat. It's (apparently) that simple.

Right now, this second as you read this column (thanks for making it this far, by the way) there is an all-out brawl happening all over Facebook, Twitter, Reddit and several other platforms and it's all based on profound misunderstanding. 

The rallying cry for those enthusiastic about today's ruling is #LoveWins, which I guess assumes that somebody loses here. Is it hate? Is anybody who doesn't support gay marriage a "hater"? Is it religion? That's painting with broad strokes, don't you think? #LoveWins seems pretty in-your-face to be an honest celebration of love, but it's catchy and people desperately want to feel included in the high school cafeteria that is the internet, so I get it. They mean well. It's a happy day.

And then there's those not so thrilled about this whole marriage equality deal. They're the ones posting articles about the death of the 1st amendment and the fading significance of marriage as an institution. It seems sort of drastic, but I get that too. It's true, family units are crumbling in the year 2015, but am I supposed to believe this is the nail in the coffin? Is marriage equality in direct opposition to the goals of religion? To some, that answer is yes, and it's not because they're "haters", but because they are worried about what the future might hold. They mean well. It's a day to reflect.

Not once have I seen either of these factions try to put themselves in the other's shoes. Probably because both believe whole-heartedly that they don't have to. But how can we hope to understand each other if we don't? It's a useful exercise, you know. If our nation collectively said to me "You know what? You Mormons are too "different" and we don't really understand you, and the thought of y'all getting married kinda weirds us out" well that would be pretty upsetting. I'd be upset. I imagine those friends of mine who are married would be also. I can't imagine growing up, going through school wondering why I wasn't able to marry someone in this awesome America place I call home just because of my religion. 

It's not a perfect comparison, obviously. But it helps me understand a new perspective.

This goes the other way too. Too many #LoveWins posts are all about telling folks to shut the hell up because they "lost". First, rounding "religious folks" into one category makes about us much sense as considering people who go to Jamba Juice to all be of the same mind. They might all share one broad thing in common, but some are into that nasty kale and wheat grass BS and others are all about that Strawberry Nirvana. Plus, telling someone to shut the hell up is basically never productive.

There are exceptions.

 What's really wrecking things is the "Us vs. Them" mentality

And everybody is guilty of it. I know there will be those who view gay marriage as a blow to this nation's foundational principles, but it hardly compares to the divisive attitude we've all seemed to adopt on every significant issue. It's one of those little factoids you hear about from time to time, that Washington and Lincoln and several others vehemently opposed political parties back in the day, for fear of what's happening now. 

Everything has become win or lose. #LoveWins, everyone else can shut up. 

Conservatives vs Liberals. 

Pro-gun vs anti-gun

Black vs white

Science vs religion

Religion vs everyone

Women vs everyone

I don't know how many people I reach with my small, amateurish internet voice, but goodness people. Us vs Them is an attitude you should have in like, college sports. That's basically it.

But holy crap, it's become fashionable and desirable to be on a "side" of an issue. Of *every* issue. What kind of immature BS is that? I referenced the high school cafeteria in a joke earlier, but that's how we're collectively debating our country's pressing issues now. Which table to you sit at? Are you with the weird kids that stand and eat their sack lunches by the door or do you crowd around that 'popular kid' table of 20 that's only meant to seat 8?  

How is any progress supposed to be made when we're attacking each other with the mentality of high schoolers, literally the dumbest human beings in the world? Every issue — Ferguson, Baltimore, the confederate flag, marriage equality, all of it — has become this awful war of attrition where each side tries to out-stupid the other until one makes a minor error and has to run off in shame. 

This is all because everything has to be divisive. Everything has to have a 'side'. And under no circumstances is anyone ever allowed to admit that maybe they were wrong.

Holy lemons we are so afraid to be wrong

You know, some would consider a person who changes their opinion as more evidence, details, facts and perspectives became available to be wise.

But we've all basically said "screw that" and created an environment where changing your mind means you're somehow inferior in intellect. 

We don't make an effort to understand each other, which leads us to become divisive on issues where we really need to work together to see any sort of improvement, and we can't accept each others' help because in our minds that means we're somehow admitting defeat or something. 

I guess it does sound counterintuitive that surrender could ever lead to any sort of victory, but so it goes.

Maybe gay marriage isn't going to be the end of the world — maybe the plague of wanton promiscuity outside the bonds of marriage will be. Maybe #LoveWins doesn't necessarily mean there is a loser. Maybe there is compromise here. Maybe we can just chill out and respect one another and still believe in right and wrong, without buying into Us vs Them.

Maybe God is the type of guy who allows his kids the freedom to make their own choices, but also wishes they'd pay attention when he tells them what the consequences of those choices will be. 

Maybe there's a way to hold fast to religious belief and still respect everything that's happened today.

Maybe this post is accidentally turning into a Lennon song.

-L

Rudolph and the Tragic Demise of the Misfit Toys

Santa's crimes against the Island of Misfit Toys have gone unnoticed for far too long.

We have ourselves to blame, it's been right in front of us this whole time. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer has been telecast every Christmas for the past 50 years, and still everyone thinks it's some feel-good tale about misfits finding their place in the world. But Rudolph is nothing more than a modern-day fairy tale, and the truth—as it is with most tales—is far darker than you've been led to believe.

The film opens with Santa congratulating the Donner family on their recently-birthed baby reindeer Rudolph. The poor kid, already destined to be picked last in every reindeer game for being saddled with the name "Rudolph" for the rest of his life, is discovered to have a birth defect. Somehow an unheard of genetic mutation has bestowed upon Rudolph a glowing red shnozz that makes an irritating feedback noise whenever its brightness intensifies. Santa tells the Donners to work that out, and the Donners fashion a fake nose that gives the kid a speech impediment. Idina Menzel sings a song about the dangers of rejecting diversity.

Against all odds, Rudolph actually has a pretty solid outing the first day of gym class. He shrugs off the many excuses he could've made for being socially inept and instead makes a friend with a dude named Fireball.

Fireball's parents were infinitely cooler than Rudolph's.

Rudolph flirts with the cutest girl in class, then gets a good 4 seconds of airtime on his first ever takeoff with everyone watching, impressing both the girl and the head coach.

Then, the betrayal.

Fireball "accidentally" knocks Rudolph's fake nose off, undoubtedly jealous of Rudolph's ability to fly while the rest of the class gets nothing but a pathetic face full of snow and shame. With his glowing red nose on full display, his successful flight is forgotten, as Santa himself rejects the notion that Rudolph could ever be a part of the sleigh team. He is abandoned by his only friend, practically disowned from his parents and banned from all reindeer games. Rudolph's love interest is the only character who doesn't forsake the outcast reindeer, though she is powerless to save him.

In the French version, Fireball and Clarisse get married while 

Rudolph and Yukon Cornelius spend 14 years plotting their 

escape from the abominable snowman's ice fortress. 

Unwanted by his family and unwelcome in the only home he's ever known, Rudolph sets out into the wilderness.

Rudolph meets rebel elf Hermey, whose parents must have hated him as much as the reindeer's. Hermey has refused to accept his station in life, desiring a career in dentistry over a lifetime of constructing children's toys. Boss elf won't have any of that in his workshop.

Santa and the boss elf's intolerance of any sort of diversity is, of course, necessary for the film's plot. We won't pick apart why Santa and the boss elf were wrong to act the way they did—that's the whole moral of the story anyway. You don't need a blog post to tell you the central theme of Rudolph is to celebrate our differences, you can get that just by watching the movie. But Santa's philosophical aversion to misfits, broken things, and those that are unique is critical to understanding his sinister actions later in the film.

Sinister actions that are intimately tied to the film's biggest mystery: King Moonracer and the Island of Misfit Toys.

Rudolph, Hermey and expedition leader Yukon Cornelius stumble upon the island late in the film, and what a peculiar place it is. They soon discover the island's inhabitants are toys that each have their own defect; a train with square wheels, a cowboy riding an ostrich, a red-haired doll, a polka-dotted elephant and a bird that swims to name a few.

They explain to Rudolph's company how they were brought to the island by King Moonracer, who salvages unloved toys from around the globe each night and returns them to the island. Moonracer requests that Rudolph inform Santa about the island if and when he returns to Christmastown, as Santa would be able to locate girls and boys who would love the unwanted toys.

But Moonracer was naive, blinded by a love for the misfit toys that stemmed from he himself being a misfit, a blend of Aslan the god-lion and one of the great eagles from the Lord of the Rings.

And definitely voiced by Liam Neeson in the gritty sequel, 

which we'll get to later.

Unfortunately, Moonracer is unaware that Santa sees imperfect things as a threat to society, operating in a world of absolutes where girls and boys are either "naughty" or "nice", where toys are only satisfactory or broken and unusable. It is an obsession of his. It is made clear throughout the movie that Santa hates misfits.

Especially misfits of his own creation.

Here are facts we know. All toys are created in Santa's workshop located at the North Pole—all toys. Where did the misfit toys come from if not Santa's workshop? The logical explanation for the existence of the misfit toys is they were once created by Santa's elves, and discovered to have "defects" only after they were delivered to children the world over who did not love them because of their unique attributes. Moonracer then collected the unloved toys and gave them sanctuary on his island.

Now, to the last ten minutes of the movie. Santa is moments away from canceling Christmas entirely due to low visibility, a problem you'd think he'd have solved by now, living at the North Pole and all. Santa's leadership is revealed to be highly suspect, failing to prepare for possible weather problems that so often accompany the Christmas season, but he suddenly sees usefulness in Rudolph's glowing nose and the previously-shunned reindeer is welcomed onto the sleigh team with open arms.

This is not character development. This is not Santa realizing the error of his ways, nor changing his mind regarding defective reindeer. Rudolph just happens to be of use to him now.

Then the turning point of the entire movie.

Rudolph, the kind-hearted individual that he is, informs Santa of the existence of an island, an island whose inhabitants are the embodiment of Santa's greatest failures, toys who were delivered in Christmases past that failed to live up to Santa's standards and had since been discarded by the "nice" kids of the world.

Santa immediately makes for the island, guided to the location by Rudolph himself, and sells the misfit toys the dream of their hearts; a home with a child who will love them.

Their longing for a child's love is consistent with everything we know about toys.

But the toys were deceived, in the ending of a movie you've all seen a dozen times before. And yet, can you recall right now, without watching the video below, how the film ends? Take a look.

That is the original 1964 ending, in which santa's chief elf takes boxes out of Santa's bag and tosses them out of the back of the sleigh. Santa, a character known throughout this film for his refusal of all things imperfect, disposes of the misfit toys once and for all, erasing them from memory.

After the original release of the Christmas special, kids expressed concern over the fate of the misfit toys—and rightfully so. The ending we know today was created in 1965, and is actually even more incriminating than the first.


That's right, the elf now hands each toy an umbrella and drops it out of the sleigh, smiling crookedly and waving goodbye to the innocent misfits.

First, this is inconsistent with everything we know about how toys are delivered. Arguing these toys will somehow float softly into a home with a child who loves them ignores physics (it's an umbrella, not a parachute), ignores all Christmas lore regarding gift delivery, and ignores Santa's promise to "find homes for all the misfit toys", seeing as how they're being dropped at random intervals.

If you need more convincing, watch that video again and check out what happens to the bird whose defect is plainly stated in the misfit toys' song. The elf considers handing it an umbrella, then flicks the poor thing out of the sleigh at 10,000 feet without an umbrella even though anyone paying attention not 20 minutes earlier knows the bird can't fly. 

Second, there probably isn't a string of homes anywhere near where Santa was dropping them—in the middle of the Arctic Ocean.

How do we know this is where he dumped the toys?

The North Pole is a geographic location in the northern hemisphere where the Earth's axis of rotation meets its surface, diametrically opposite the South Pole. It actually consists of constantly shifting sea ice a few meters thick (shown repeatedly as a means of transport throughout the movie). The landscape depicted in the film is consistent with the actual North Pole.

The constantly shifting ice drifts provides a possible explanation for 

Santa's inability to locate the Island of Misfit Toys 

without Rudolph's assistance. 

For Santa to make the most out of the one night per year he has to deliver presents to over 2 billion children, he would logically begin at the international date line and fly West, earning him an actual 48 hours to complete the task because of Earth's time zones.

Now, if Santa is traveling from the Island of Misfit Toys near the North Pole in a westward direction toward the international date line, where is he dropping the toys? See that big empty space completely surrounding the date line in the northern hemisphere? That's where.

I'm not even getting an 'A' in my Planet Earth class. What a freaking joke.

Santa Claus terminated the misfit toys because of his deep-seated fear and hatred of all things that threaten his black-and-white view of the world. The misfit toys were his greatest disappointment, a living testament that his belief in absolutes was perhaps unfounded. Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer is a dark tale of rejection and loss, dolled up with catchy jingles to mask its true nature. This fact has remained unnoticed, unhidden and unpunished for the past 50 years.


Until now, that is.

Suggested post-credits scene:


The quivering bird laid before his king, mere seconds from death's icy embrace. Having survived his fall from Santa's sleigh and the frigid swim that followed, the flightless toy now sputtered its final words to his only friend. 

"My king," the hapless toy managed, "Santa Claus...Santa Claus was the end of us."

"Rest now," King Moonracer said gently.

The great beast bowed his head, his once-proud crown clattering to the floor as the bird released its final breath. 

Then, silence.

The Island of Misfit Toys was no more. 

Moonracer agonized over the thought that his misplaced trust had cost his friends their lives. Now he sat in solitude, sickened while the world celebrated his murderous enemy. He could already feel the lust for vengeance poisoning his mind, yet welcomed it freely, his only distraction from the pain he now bore. 

The echo of his own voice broke the suffocating silence, though he spoke in only a whisper.

"I will find you, Santa Claus. I will find you...and I will end you."

-L

Disney Princess Smackdown Rd. II

**For full effect, read this intro with this song playing in the background**

Welcome back, alternative sports fans! What you are about to read is Rd. II of the Disney Princess Smackdown tournament—if this post makes no sense to you, it's probably because you didn't read Disney Princess Smackdown Rd. I.

Here are the current standings:

The first round had its share of surprises, most notably Anna and Belle who each overcame odds stacked drastically against their favor to stay in the fight. Round II should prove even more unforgiving, as heavy-hitters Merida, Kida and Mulan all look to advance. However, the lesson learned in round one was to never count anyone out—anything can happen in this latest edition of 

—Disney Princess Smackdown—

///Rapunzel vs Snow White\\\

It begins.

Round II begins with a battle between the old school and the new school. Rapunzel, beloved by a rising generation of Disney fans who consider "Tangled", "The Princess and the Frog" and "Frozen" classics faces off against Snow White, the original Disney Princess. 

Rapunzel enters the ring to the LEGO movie's "Everything Is Awesome" and waits patiently in her corner. Snow makes her way down to the ring backed by her personal anthem — Lil Wayne's "Believe Me" (feat. Drake). Snow climbs into the ring, staring down her opponent. Two princesses from opposite bookends of Disney's history are about to throw down.

\\\\\DING\\\\\

Rapunzel immediately scampers under the ropes and outside of the ring to retrieve her choice weapon—the folding chair. Snow knows how Rapunzel's last match ended, and has prepared accordingly. Snow slides outside the ring and pulls out her own secret weapon—a standard steel WWE ladder.

Rapunzel's mind begins to race as she recognizes her disadvantage, trying to find a way to get at Snow with her trusty chair. She begins to panic as Snow approaches quickly with the ladder, and still with no escape in sight. Rapunzel finally leaps back in the ring, hoping to make it difficult for Snow to follow with the heavy weapon. In her panicked state, Rapunzel did not plan for the ladder now flying through the ropes directly at her. The throw connects with Rapunzel's midsection, knocking her clean off her feet and sending her crashing into the turnbuckle. 

Rapunzel's labored breathing sends her into even greater panic; evidence of broken ribs that will surely limit her mobility for the remainder of the match. Snow sets the ladder upright in the middle of the ring, aiming to bodyslam Rapunzel into oblivion and win the fight by KO. As Snow climbs to the top rung, Rapunzel plays the only card left in her hand — though still half-crouched to protect her aching ribs, she hurdles her entire body at the base of the ladder, sending it and Snow crashing to the ground in a flurry of flailing limbs.

Fate is cruel that way.

Snow lays sprawled on the mat with a ladder on top of her, the wind knocked out of her lungs and Rapunzel approaching, chair in hand.

Snow only gets one arm up in defense before Rapunzel's chair comes screaming down, glancing off her elbow and connecting with her face. Nose broken, a bleeding Snow rolls out from under the ladder as the chair slams down a second time, hitting the mat where her head rested moments earlier. Rapunzel smarts with every swing of the chair, her damaged ribs taking a toll. Snow wipes the blood from her face and edges toward the nearest corner, studying her wincing opponent . Rapunzel raises her chair above her head and advances, but Snow leaps and spears her already fractured form into the ladder laying in the middle of the ring. 

An ominous crunch signals serious damage done, and Rapunzel isn't moving. Match over.

Result: Though bleeding badly, Snow leaves the ring victorious. Rapunzel proved a worthy opponent, but suffered severe injury to her back and ribs and was sent to a distant rehab facility to recover in peace. 

///Anna vs Mulan\\\

Mulan enters this match as the highest-ranked competitor remaining in the tournament, aiming to make quick work of Anna, who survived the first round with what most analysts considered a lucky tapout victory against Tiana. The bell sounds, and the fight is on.

Mulan begins boxing Anna into a corner with short jabs and avoiding Anna's clumsy attempts to hit her back. Anna slowly sinks to the mat under a barrage of Mulan's ceaseless blows, and Mulan kicks her right in the face. It's looking like Anna is due for an early exit—— 

BUT WAIT

Unknown intro music plays over the stadium speakers, causing Mulan to momentarily halt her beating and direct her gaze to the arena's entrance—

Start watching wrestling, this seriously happens all the time.

It's Anna's sister Elsa advancing toward the ring as riotous cheering erupts from the packed arena. The crowd-favorite superstar was unceremoniously banned from competing in the Smackdown due to unidentified substances found in her blood following a random drug test administered mere weeks before the tournament. Many sports fans were outraged at the ban, especially after it was discovered that Mulan would still be allowed to compete despite recently uncovered security footage of her beating her fiancé.

Despite public outcry over the situation, Disney Smackdown insisted on Mulan remaining in the tournament and upholding its ban on Elsa. Following the controversial ruling, Elsa threatened both Mulan and the Smackdown itself via twitter:

"@DisneySmckDwn @Mulanchick ??? drug test worse than hittin my own fiancé? ok...u think u seen the last of me #hypocrites #brokensystem #smckdwn"

Now, after weeks of highly publicized negativity toward the Smackdown organization, Elsa is in the house with the crowd at her back. Anna recognizes her chance to avoid a quick defeat and quickly rolls out of the ring, Mulan too busy processing it all to care.

Elsa enters the ring, the roaring stadium still on its feet, ready for this unexpected showdown between the top-ranked Mulan and a ticked-off Elsa.

The fighters start without warning, Mulan throwing punches and Elsa countering like a pro. Elsa is backed up almost to the ropes before dodging an uppercut and catching Mulan with a quick strike to the throat and an elbow to the face in quick succession. Mulan tries to recover in time but Elsa spears her into the ground. The packed stadium roars its approval as Elsa's takedown looks to be the beginning of the end for Mulan. 

Elsa unleashes weeks of frustration on Mulan, pausing briefly to motion Anna back into the ring before returning to the beating. Anna slides in to pin the helpless Mulan, and Elsa rises and waves to her adoring crowd. Cheering intensifies and Elsa smiles, feeling flattered at the praise—then notices Mulan and Anna grappling in the corner of the ring. Anna is turning an unhealthy shade of crimson from Mulan's chokehold.  Elsa runs over to assist, but Mulan releases Anna and sweeps Elsa's legs out from under her. All three contestants are on the mat trying to catch their breath; Mulan is the first one on her feet, and she's got her game face on.

Elsa rushes back to her feet with Anna close behind, teaming up against the badly beaten Mulan. Unsure what to do, Anna circles around the ring, aiming to corner Mulan and let Elsa take care of business. The sellout crowd reaches deafening levels, every fan in attendance on their feet and ready for a grand finale. Elsa shouts a warning, but is too late— Anna gets too close to Mulan, and Mulan snatches her by the neck, smashing her to the mat immediately in a textbook RKO.

Anna is out cold, and Elsa charges to save her sister; Mulan grabs Elsa and lifts her off the ground, holding her above her head and making a statement to the raucous crowd. She swiftly drops Elsa face-first onto her knee and puts her to sleep for good. 

Result: Mulan advances with the double KO victory. She is booed out of the arena for her win over the two sisters, who are forever beloved by the crowd for being the first ever strong Disney female leads(?).

///Belle vs Aurora\\\

Belle somehow enters this fight favored to win.

\\\\\\DING\\\\\\

Aurora, who beat Jane in round one without moving out of her corner, is untested. Belle, unsure what to expect from her, tries immediately to rush at her and take her to the mat, but Aurora shifts out of the way and scrambles to the opposite side of the ring. Belle chases and takes a swing at Aurora's cheek, but Aurora blocks the strike with her hands. Much to everyone's surprise, Aurora suddenly falls limp on the canvas. Confused, Belle drops and pins her, the count reaches three, and Aurora is still out cold.

Result: Inconclusive as to whether Aurora was incapacitated by an apparent jammed finger and broken nail, or if the fight was affected by her chronic narcoleptic condition. Belle advances to the final four. Experts, seemingly forgetting Belle's stunning win against Esmerelda in round one, bash her for receiving what they deem a free ticket to the semi-final round.

"A disgrace to the sport," Stephen A. Smith said the following morning on ESPN's "First Take". "I'll tell you what— I know Belle, my wife and her have lunch together Tuesdays and Saturdays and she is a dear dear friend of the family. But in sports, if people are given free passes to the semi-finals, then that should never be a measure of how elite they are, if someone doesn't have to earn their way."

///Merida vs. Kida\\\

The final fight of the day is here, and viewers who don't have Comcast or SmackDown network have just lost their illegal online streams of the tournament. Both competitors look confident entering the ring, eager to prove themselves and earn the last spot in the semi-final round.

/////DING\\\\\

Merida collides with Kida and immediately plants her against the mat, dropping punch after punch on the Atlantian, catching her and the fans completely off-guard. Kida is out cold and bleeding before Merida is yanked off of her, just as the frustrated non-comcast viewers bring the match back up on their laptops using a new feed.

Result: Kida is carted out of the ring, while Merida stalks around the rings as the crowd boos, making it clear she is the princess to beat in this tournament.


Disney Smackdown will return with the semi-final round and championship finale August 18th. And then............Disney Hunger Games.



-L

Disney Princess Smackdown Rd. I

Welcome back to a Mind Grenades summer tradition: weirding out the NSA by filling up our search history with Disney Princess-related inquiries.

It's been a summer of spotty blogging, especially compared to this site's beginnings back in spring 2013 when we cranked out six articles a month. We hope this post marks the return of frequent writing both for your entertainment and our practice. Also, after today if you ever get in an argument with a friend over which Disney Princess would win in a WWE-style wrestling tournament, you now have a resource to turn to. Dearest readers, welcome to the first ever 

—Disney Smackdown—

Credit Ally Gardner for sharing our very particular sense of humor.

The Rules:

This is a single-elimination tournament pitting 16 of the most popular Disney princesses and heroines against each other in one-on-one WWE-style combat. Injuries sustained in one simulated fight do not carry over into the following round. Special powers like Rapunzel's hair and Ariel's fins are eliminated (worry not— we'll include those for something a little more...gladiatorial...later on). Challengers fight in a standard WWE ring.

Winners are declared victorious by pin, tapout, knockout or fatality. First round match-ups were generated randomly, and the simulations will be completely subjective because seriously, this is all just for fun.

The Bracket:

"But where's ELSA?" some of you might be whining at your lifeless computer screens, "She's my favorite! LET IT GOOOOO, LET IT GOOOOOOOOOOO-" we're just gonna stop you right there. Not only do her ice powers disqualify her from the tournament for making no freaking sense, she also isn't technically a Disney princess and actually kind of the antagonist of "Frozen" for like 80% of the movie. As much as we'd love to describe in graphic detail the brutal beating she'd receive from the majority of the other challengers, it's probably best to save our hatred of "Frozen" for an entirely separate post.

You just keep doing your thing, Olaf. We've got no problem with you.

Time to get started, from the top of the bracket to the bottom:

Ariel (with feet) vs Rapunzel (with short brown hair)

Ding. Ding.

What a fight to start the tournament. The challengers start the fight just staring at each other from across the ring, likely admiring the other's physics-defying hairdo and wondering if their tiny balled fists will actually be able to beat the other into submission. Rapunzel, whose previous fighting experience is limited to defending herself against a nonviolent foe with a frying pan, makes the first move, leaping over the ropes and pulling a metal folding chair out from under the ring. Ariel waits in the corner for daddy Triton to show up and fight her battles for her. It is quickly apparent that Rapunzel means business, and the former mermaid does her best to scamper out of the way as her chair-swinging opponent swiftly approaches.

Ariel, clumsy in her human form, takes an awkward misstep and trips, falling to one knee. Rapunzel takes advantage, aiming a home-run swing at Ariel with the folding chair and......CONNECTS. Lights out.

Result: Rapunzel wins by KO, Ariel eliminated from the tournament but survives the blunt force trauma. Will likely file lawsuit against the Disney Smackdown in 20 years when health complications stemming from the concussion she suffered in the ring finally catch up with her.

Cinderella vs Snow White

DING- within seconds this one turns ugly. Slapping, hair-pulling, awkward pushing around the ring; basically everything you'd expect from an actual WWE Diva bout. Cinderella slowly gains the upper hand, as her years of janitorial work and pent-up family issues begin showing in her ferocity and functional strength. Snow, realizing the match is slipping out of her favor, escapes the onslaught by sliding under the ropes and out of the ring. Cinderella climbs to the top of the padded turnbuckle in pursuit.

This is a turnbuckle. 

Turn on Summerslam every once in a while.

Cinderella leaps into the air, aiming to land on Snow and end the fight early— Snow rolls out of the way, causing Cinderella to crash onto the ground in spectacular fashion. The official begins counting, as Snow climbs safely back into the ring. The count is six, and Cinderella is staggering back toward the ring with an obviously damaged hip. The count is eight, and she's not going to make it. The count is ten, and this match is over— Cinderella has run out of time.

Result: Snow White wins by Time Out. Cinderella suffers a fractured hip and damaged tailbone requiring multiple corrective surgeries, preventing her from walking in heels for the remainder of her days.

Tiana (Princess and the Frog) vs Anna (Frozen)

Diversity!

Tiana, who grew up as a working class woman in New Orleans, stares across the ring at Anna, a princess by birth, who spent 18 years wandering around a castle. The bell sounds. Tiana, used to dealing with drunken brawlers in her restaurant, picks Anna up with ease and immediately drops her to the mat with the first ever Disney Powerslam.

Anna rolls away and forces herself back on her feet, obviously in pain but not done with this match quite yet. Tiana advances, but charges too quickly; Anna sidesteps, Tiana hits the ropes and rebounds— Anna is ready, catching Tiana with a clothesline and dropping her hard to the mat. Anna, used to play-wrestling with Kristoff (who is approximately 3x Anna's size) suddenly drops on top of Tiana and uses the only move she knows— the armbar.

No results for "Anna Frozen Tiana Armbar"? Shame on you, internet.

Result: Anna advances with a tap out victory most everyone agrees was a massive upset, Tiana eliminated but survives the match.

Pocahontas vs Mulan

Two of the most capable fighters in the  tournament enter the ring for what is surely the most hotly anticipated first round matchup. The fight begins as the challengers size each other up, pacing slowly around the ring. Pocahontas catches Mulan in the jaw with a few quick jabs, but Mulan draws upon her harsh military training to counter her opponent's next punch, throwing Pocahontas to the ground. 

Mulan drops down to pin her, but Pocahontas grabs her and rolls both of them out of the ring. Mulan, unused to being without her loyal Eddie Murphy lizard and lucky cricket, seems lost for a moment— Pocahontas takes advantage, cracking Mulan with a flying knee to the face. Mulan lays outside the ring with a fractured jaw as Pocahontas ascends the ropes to pull off the first ever Disney finishing move. 

Seriously, start watching wrestling.

Pocahontas looks down from the top rope at the reeling Mulan, and leaps—

Obligatory.

—BUT MISSES. Mulan pushes herself out of the way out of pure survival instinct, while Pocahontas crashes to the ground in a heap. 

Mulan crawls back into the ring, and referee begins counting. "SIX" yells the official, as Pocahontas makes it to her feet. The count is nine when Pocahontas climbs the ropes once again, and rather than simply reentering the ring she aims to catch Mulan by surprise, leaping into the air at her opponent a second time. An unwise choice.

Mulan sends a flying kick directly at Pocahontas' face and connects, and it is awesome. Of course at this point in an actual wrestling match, John Smith and Captain Shang would come out of the tunnel and duke it out, which would be equally awesome.

This movie needs to happen.

The kick puts Pocahontas to sleep, and Mulan takes a bow.

Result: Mulan wins by KO, Pocahontas eliminated for getting kicked right in the face. 

Jane vs Aurora

*yawn*

What is this, a play-in game? The match begins with Aurora standing shyly in the corner. Jane is hoping that since everyone forgot she existed anyway, maybe she can just slip out and nobody will notice. Jane's foot catches the bottom rope as she escapes the ring, tripping her. She slams her head against the metal stairs and is instantly killed. Disney execs erupt in riotous celebration, hoping they can finally erase Jane from everyone's memory for good. 

Result: Aurora advances. Disney destroys all evidence of Jane's existence.

Belle vs Esmerelda

Esmerelda charges Belle the moment the match begins, knocking her over and splitting her own lip in the process. Belle lays on the mat, apparently out cold. Esmerelda, firmly believing the match is in her control, extracts a table from beneath the ring and begins to set it up. Belle attacks the overconfident gypsy from behind and tries to put her in a headlock, but Esmerelda easily throws Belle's wispy form off and punches her eight or nine times in the face. Esmerelda leaves the bloodied-up Belle slumped against the turnbuckle and returns to setting up the table in the middle of the ring. Belle seizes the only opening she's likely to get, quickly rising and sprinting towards Esmerelda. 

"You gypsy b*tch!" yells Belle, just as Esmerelda turns to face her. Belle launches herself at her foe, knocking Esmerelda clean off her feet and spearing her into the table.

Esmerelda's broken form lays on the shattered table, unmoving. Belle rises to her feet and spits a tooth onto the mat.

Result: The bookish Frenchwoman advances. Esmerelda is looking at about 12 months of rehab, but her insurance will only cover 30 days, citing her crushed back as a pre-existing condition from her years as a dancer. Thanks, Obamacare.

Merida vs Meg

Casual fans who watched too much ESPN before the match have been blabbing about Meg for the past two weeks, falsely assuming that athletic prowess is directly proportional to media coverage. Meg's ever-popular sassy attitude has gained her over 12 million twitter followers, and she's recently been considered one of the most elite Disney females of all time.

"Megara is most definitely on the #MountRushmore of #DisneyCharacters, and will #Absolutely crush #Merida in the upcoming #Smackdown" tweeted Skip Bayless just days ago.

The moment this fight begins, Meg is on the wrong end of an ass-kicking for the ages. As Merida begins beating the ever-living tar out of her opponent, fans and analysts alike begin to realize their beloved star has never actually faced a foe like this before, and they are now witnesses to a brutal, bloody, epic beatdown. 

Sports fans haven't viewed a seemingly "elite" team completely deconstructed like this since, like, the World Cup the NBA finals and Super Bowl XLVIII.

Result: Merida advances; leaves ring to ice her sore hands. Meg is now unrecognizable. The higher-ups at Disney Smackdown will evaluate the rules before next year to accommodate their sport's most popular star.

Kida (Atlantis, duh) vs Jasmine

**If you don't recognize Kida, you missed out on Disney's lone foray into the sci-fi genre. Atlantis was awesome. Disney doesn't talk about it much because it doesn't really have any marketable qualities, and if you can't sell tons of related crap at Disneyland, there's no reason to acknowledge the film's existence. 


The final battle of round one begins. Jasmine can hold her own, and exchanges body blows with Kida as the two box in the middle of the ring. Jasmine catches Kida's left eye with a nasty hook, causing it to swell shut. Both challengers remain on their feet, throwing quick strikes and then backing away. Kida starts to use her weight advantage, shoving the impossibly small Jasmine into the corner. Kida throws a haymaker, looking for a knockout punch. Jasmine dodges just in time and hammers Kida in her damaged eye, sending the Atlantian reeling across the ring. 

Jasmine runs at Kida, ready to clothesline her to the mat and end the fight with a pin. Kida surprises the incoming attacker with a scooping powerslam, using Jasmine's own momentum to pulverize her into the mat. The ref drops to the mat—1—2—3—Kida pins Jasmine and advances to the second round. 

Result: Kida wins, Jasmine survives

That's it for round I, Here's our updated bracket:

The plan is to do the remainder of the tournament in one single post within the next two or three days, and after that...the real fun begins.

Three words: Disney Hunger Games.

-L