Saturday, July 26, 2014

Disney Princess Smackdown Rd. I

Welcome back to a Mind Grenades summer tradition: weirding out the NSA by filling up our search history with Disney Princess-related inquiries.

It's been a summer of spotty blogging, especially compared to this site's beginnings back in spring 2013 when we cranked out six articles a month. We hope this post marks the return of frequent writing both for your entertainment and our practice. Also, after today if you ever get in an argument with a friend over which Disney Princess would win in a WWE-style wrestling tournament, you now have a resource to turn to. Dearest readers, welcome to the first ever 

—Disney Smackdown—

Credit Ally Gardner for sharing our very particular sense of humor.

The Rules:

This is a single-elimination tournament pitting 16 of the most popular Disney princesses and heroines against each other in one-on-one WWE-style combat. Injuries sustained in one simulated fight do not carry over into the following round. Special powers like Rapunzel's hair and Ariel's fins are eliminated (worry not— we'll include those for something a little more...gladiatorial...later on). Challengers fight in a standard WWE ring.

Winners are declared victorious by pin, tapout, knockout or fatality. First round match-ups were generated randomly, and the simulations will be completely subjective because seriously, this is all just for fun.

The Bracket:

"But where's ELSA?" some of you might be whining at your lifeless computer screens, "She's my favorite! LET IT GOOOOO, LET IT GOOOOOOOOOOO-" we're just gonna stop you right there. Not only do her ice powers disqualify her from the tournament for making no freaking sense, she also isn't technically a Disney princess and actually kind of the antagonist of "Frozen" for like 80% of the movie. As much as we'd love to describe in graphic detail the brutal beating she'd receive from the majority of the other challengers, it's probably best to save our hatred of "Frozen" for an entirely separate post.

You just keep doing your thing, Olaf. We've got no problem with you.

Time to get started, from the top of the bracket to the bottom:

Ariel (with feet) vs Rapunzel (with short brown hair)

Ding. Ding.

What a fight to start the tournament. The challengers start the fight just staring at each other from across the ring, likely admiring the other's physics-defying hairdo and wondering if their tiny balled fists will actually be able to beat the other into submission. Rapunzel, whose previous fighting experience is limited to defending herself against a nonviolent foe with a frying pan, makes the first move, leaping over the ropes and pulling a metal folding chair out from under the ring. Ariel waits in the corner for daddy Triton to show up and fight her battles for her. It is quickly apparent that Rapunzel means business, and the former mermaid does her best to scamper out of the way as her chair-swinging opponent swiftly approaches.

Ariel, clumsy in her human form, takes an awkward misstep and trips, falling to one knee. Rapunzel takes advantage, aiming a home-run swing at Ariel with the folding chair and......CONNECTS. Lights out.

Result: Rapunzel wins by KO, Ariel eliminated from the tournament but survives the blunt force trauma. Will likely file lawsuit against the Disney Smackdown in 20 years when health complications stemming from the concussion she suffered in the ring finally catch up with her.

Cinderella vs Snow White

DING- within seconds this one turns ugly. Slapping, hair-pulling, awkward pushing around the ring; basically everything you'd expect from an actual WWE Diva bout. Cinderella slowly gains the upper hand, as her years of janitorial work and pent-up family issues begin showing in her ferocity and functional strength. Snow, realizing the match is slipping out of her favor, escapes the onslaught by sliding under the ropes and out of the ring. Cinderella climbs to the top of the padded turnbuckle in pursuit.

This is a turnbuckle. 
Turn on Summerslam every once in a while.

Cinderella leaps into the air, aiming to land on Snow and end the fight early— Snow rolls out of the way, causing Cinderella to crash onto the ground in spectacular fashion. The official begins counting, as Snow climbs safely back into the ring. The count is six, and Cinderella is staggering back toward the ring with an obviously damaged hip. The count is eight, and she's not going to make it. The count is ten, and this match is over— Cinderella has run out of time.

Result: Snow White wins by Time Out. Cinderella suffers a fractured hip and damaged tailbone requiring multiple corrective surgeries, preventing her from walking in heels for the remainder of her days.

Tiana (Princess and the Frog) vs Anna (Frozen)


Tiana, who grew up as a working class woman in New Orleans, stares across the ring at Anna, a princess by birth, who spent 18 years wandering around a castle. The bell sounds. Tiana, used to dealing with drunken brawlers in her restaurant, picks Anna up with ease and immediately drops her to the mat with the first ever Disney Powerslam.

Anna rolls away and forces herself back on her feet, obviously in pain but not done with this match quite yet. Tiana advances, but charges too quickly; Anna sidesteps, Tiana hits the ropes and rebounds— Anna is ready, catching Tiana with a clothesline and dropping her hard to the mat. Anna, used to play-wrestling with Kristoff (who is approximately 3x Anna's size) suddenly drops on top of Tiana and uses the only move she knows— the armbar.

No results for "Anna Frozen Tiana Armbar"? Shame on you, internet.

Result: Anna advances with a tap out victory most everyone agrees was a massive upset, Tiana eliminated but survives the match.

Pocahontas vs Mulan

Two of the most capable fighters in the  tournament enter the ring for what is surely the most hotly anticipated first round matchup. The fight begins as the challengers size each other up, pacing slowly around the ring. Pocahontas catches Mulan in the jaw with a few quick jabs, but Mulan draws upon her harsh military training to counter her opponent's next punch, throwing Pocahontas to the ground. 

Mulan drops down to pin her, but Pocahontas grabs her and rolls both of them out of the ring. Mulan, unused to being without her loyal Eddie Murphy lizard and lucky cricket, seems lost for a moment— Pocahontas takes advantage, cracking Mulan with a flying knee to the face. Mulan lays outside the ring with a fractured jaw as Pocahontas ascends the ropes to pull off the first ever Disney finishing move. 

Seriously, start watching wrestling.

Pocahontas looks down from the top rope at the reeling Mulan, and leaps—


—BUT MISSES. Mulan pushes herself out of the way out of pure survival instinct, while Pocahontas crashes to the ground in a heap. 

Mulan crawls back into the ring, and referee begins counting. "SIX" yells the official, as Pocahontas makes it to her feet. The count is nine when Pocahontas climbs the ropes once again, and rather than simply reentering the ring she aims to catch Mulan by surprise, leaping into the air at her opponent a second time. An unwise choice.

Mulan sends a flying kick directly at Pocahontas' face and connects, and it is awesome. Of course at this point in an actual wrestling match, John Smith and Captain Shang would come out of the tunnel and duke it out, which would be equally awesome.

This movie needs to happen.

The kick puts Pocahontas to sleep, and Mulan takes a bow.

Result: Mulan wins by KO, Pocahontas eliminated for getting kicked right in the face. 

Jane vs Aurora


What is this, a play-in game? The match begins with Aurora standing shyly in the corner. Jane is hoping that since everyone forgot she existed anyway, maybe she can just slip out and nobody will notice. Jane's foot catches the bottom rope as she escapes the ring, tripping her. She slams her head against the metal stairs and is instantly killed. Disney execs erupt in riotous celebration, hoping they can finally erase Jane from everyone's memory for good. 

Result: Aurora advances. Disney destroys all evidence of Jane's existence.

Belle vs Esmerelda

Esmerelda charges Belle the moment the match begins, knocking her over and splitting her own lip in the process. Belle lays on the mat, apparently out cold. Esmerelda, firmly believing the match is in her control, extracts a table from beneath the ring and begins to set it up. Belle attacks the overconfident gypsy from behind and tries to put her in a headlock, but Esmerelda easily throws Belle's wispy form off and punches her eight or nine times in the face. Esmerelda leaves the bloodied-up Belle slumped against the turnbuckle and returns to setting up the table in the middle of the ring. Belle seizes the only opening she's likely to get, quickly rising and sprinting towards Esmerelda. 

"You gypsy b*tch!" yells Belle, just as Esmerelda turns to face her. Belle launches herself at her foe, knocking Esmerelda clean off her feet and spearing her into the table.

Esmerelda's broken form lays on the shattered table, unmoving. Belle rises to her feet and spits a tooth onto the mat.

Result: The bookish Frenchwoman advances. Esmerelda is looking at about 12 months of rehab, but her insurance will only cover 30 days, citing her crushed back as a pre-existing condition from her years as a dancer. Thanks, Obamacare.

Merida vs Meg

Casual fans who watched too much ESPN before the match have been blabbing about Meg for the past two weeks, falsely assuming that athletic prowess is directly proportional to media coverage. Meg's ever-popular sassy attitude has gained her over 12 million twitter followers, and she's recently been considered one of the most elite Disney females of all time.

"Megara is most definitely on the #MountRushmore of #DisneyCharacters, and will #Absolutely crush #Merida in the upcoming #Smackdown" tweeted Skip Bayless just days ago.

The moment this fight begins, Meg is on the wrong end of an ass-kicking for the ages. As Merida begins beating the ever-living tar out of her opponent, fans and analysts alike begin to realize their beloved star has never actually faced a foe like this before, and they are now witnesses to a brutal, bloody, epic beatdown. 

Sports fans haven't viewed a seemingly "elite" team completely deconstructed like this since, like, the World Cup the NBA finals and Super Bowl XLVIII.

Result: Merida advances; leaves ring to ice her sore hands. Meg is now unrecognizable. The higher-ups at Disney Smackdown will evaluate the rules before next year to accommodate their sport's most popular star.

Kida (Atlantis, duh) vs Jasmine

**If you don't recognize Kida, you missed out on Disney's lone foray into the sci-fi genre. Atlantis was awesome. Disney doesn't talk about it much because it doesn't really have any marketable qualities, and if you can't sell tons of related crap at Disneyland, there's no reason to acknowledge the film's existence. 

The final battle of round one begins. Jasmine can hold her own, and exchanges body blows with Kida as the two box in the middle of the ring. Jasmine catches Kida's left eye with a nasty hook, causing it to swell shut. Both challengers remain on their feet, throwing quick strikes and then backing away. Kida starts to use her weight advantage, shoving the impossibly small Jasmine into the corner. Kida throws a haymaker, looking for a knockout punch. Jasmine dodges just in time and hammers Kida in her damaged eye, sending the Atlantian reeling across the ring. 

Jasmine runs at Kida, ready to clothesline her to the mat and end the fight with a pin. Kida surprises the incoming attacker with a scooping powerslam, using Jasmine's own momentum to pulverize her into the mat. The ref drops to the mat—1—2—3—Kida pins Jasmine and advances to the second round. 

Result: Kida wins, Jasmine survives

That's it for round I, Here's our updated bracket:

The plan is to do the remainder of the tournament in one single post within the next two or three days, and after that...the real fun begins.

Three words: Disney Hunger Games.


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