Sunday, August 17, 2014

Disney Princess Smackdown Rd. II

**For full effect, read this intro with this song playing in the background**

Welcome back, alternative sports fans! What you are about to read is Rd. II of the Disney Princess Smackdown tournament—if this post makes no sense to you, it's probably because you didn't read Disney Princess Smackdown Rd. I.

Here are the current standings:

The first round had its share of surprises, most notably Anna and Belle who each overcame odds stacked drastically against their favor to stay in the fight. Round II should prove even more unforgiving, as heavy-hitters Merida, Kida and Mulan all look to advance. However, the lesson learned in round one was to never count anyone out—anything can happen in this latest edition of 

—Disney Princess Smackdown—

///Rapunzel vs Snow White\\\

Round II begins with a battle between the old school and the new school. Rapunzel, beloved by a rising generation of Disney fans who consider "Tangled", "The Princess and the Frog" and "Frozen" classics faces off against Snow White, the original Disney Princess. 

Rapunzel enters the ring to the LEGO movie's "Everything Is Awesome" and waits patiently in her corner. Snow makes her way down to the ring backed by her personal anthem — Lil Wayne's "Believe Me" (feat. Drake). Snow climbs into the ring, staring down her opponent. Two princesses from opposite bookends of Disney's history are about to throw down.


Rapunzel immediately scampers under the ropes and outside of the ring to retrieve her choice weapon—the folding chair. Snow knows how Rapunzel's last match ended, and has prepared accordingly. Snow slides outside the ring and pulls out her own secret weapon—a standard steel WWE ladder.

Rapunzel's mind begins to race as she recognizes her disadvantage, trying to find a way to get at Snow with her trusty chair. She begins to panic as Snow approaches quickly with the ladder, and still with no escape in sight. Rapunzel finally leaps back in the ring, hoping to make it difficult for Snow to follow with the heavy weapon. In her panicked state, Rapunzel did not plan for the ladder now flying through the ropes directly at her. The throw connects with Rapunzel's midsection, knocking her clean off her feet and sending her crashing into the turnbuckle. 

Rapunzel's labored breathing sends her into even greater panic; evidence of broken ribs that will surely limit her mobility for the remainder of the match. Snow sets the ladder upright in the middle of the ring, aiming to bodyslam Rapunzel into oblivion and win the fight by KO. As Snow climbs to the top rung, Rapunzel plays the only card left in her hand — though still half-crouched to protect her aching ribs, she hurdles her entire body at the base of the ladder, sending it and Snow crashing to the ground in a flurry of flailing limbs.

Fate is cruel that way.

Snow lays sprawled on the mat with a ladder on top of her, the wind knocked out of her lungs and Rapunzel approaching, chair in hand.

Snow only gets one arm up in defense before Rapunzel's chair comes screaming down, glancing off her elbow and connecting with her face. Nose broken, a bleeding Snow rolls out from under the ladder as the chair slams down a second time, hitting the mat where her head rested moments earlier. Rapunzel smarts with every swing of the chair, her damaged ribs taking a toll. Snow wipes the blood from her face and edges toward the nearest corner, studying her wincing opponent . Rapunzel raises her chair above her head and advances, but Snow leaps and spears her already fractured form into the ladder laying in the middle of the ring. 

An ominous crunch signals serious damage done, and Rapunzel isn't moving. Match over.

Result: Though bleeding badly, Snow leaves the ring victorious. Rapunzel proved a worthy opponent, but suffered severe injury to her back and ribs and was sent to a distant rehab facility to recover in peace. 

///Anna vs Mulan\\\

Mulan enters this match as the highest-ranked competitor remaining in the tournament, aiming to make quick work of Anna, who survived the first round with what most analysts considered a lucky tapout victory against Tiana. The bell sounds, and the fight is on.

Mulan begins boxing Anna into a corner with short jabs and avoiding Anna's clumsy attempts to hit her back. Anna slowly sinks to the mat under a barrage of Mulan's ceaseless blows, and Mulan kicks her right in the face. It's looking like Anna is due for an early exit—— 


Unknown intro music plays over the stadium speakers, causing Mulan to momentarily halt her beating and direct her gaze to the arena's entrance—

Start watching wrestling, this seriously happens all the time.

It's Anna's sister Elsa advancing toward the ring as riotous cheering erupts from the packed arena. The crowd-favorite superstar was unceremoniously banned from competing in the Smackdown due to unidentified substances found in her blood following a random drug test administered mere weeks before the tournament. Many sports fans were outraged at the ban, especially after it was discovered that Mulan would still be allowed to compete despite recently uncovered security footage of her beating her fiancé.

Despite public outcry over the situation, Disney Smackdown insisted on Mulan remaining in the tournament and upholding its ban on Elsa. Following the controversial ruling, Elsa threatened both Mulan and the Smackdown itself via twitter:

"@DisneySmckDwn @Mulanchick ??? drug test worse than hittin my own fiancé? ok...u think u seen the last of me #hypocrites #brokensystem #smckdwn"

Now, after weeks of highly publicized negativity toward the Smackdown organization, Elsa is in the house with the crowd at her back. Anna recognizes her chance to avoid a quick defeat and quickly rolls out of the ring, Mulan too busy processing it all to care.

Elsa enters the ring, the roaring stadium still on its feet, ready for this unexpected showdown between the top-ranked Mulan and a ticked-off Elsa.

The fighters start without warning, Mulan throwing punches and Elsa countering like a pro. Elsa is backed up almost to the ropes before dodging an uppercut and catching Mulan with a quick strike to the throat and an elbow to the face in quick succession. Mulan tries to recover in time but Elsa spears her into the ground. The packed stadium roars its approval as Elsa's takedown looks to be the beginning of the end for Mulan. 

Elsa unleashes weeks of frustration on Mulan, pausing briefly to motion Anna back into the ring before returning to the beating. Anna slides in to pin the helpless Mulan, and Elsa rises and waves to her adoring crowd. Cheering intensifies and Elsa smiles, feeling flattered at the praise—then notices Mulan and Anna grappling in the corner of the ring. Anna is turning an unhealthy shade of crimson from Mulan's chokehold.  Elsa runs over to assist, but Mulan releases Anna and sweeps Elsa's legs out from under her. All three contestants are on the mat trying to catch their breath; Mulan is the first one on her feet, and she's got her game face on.

Elsa rushes back to her feet with Anna close behind, teaming up against the badly beaten Mulan. Unsure what to do, Anna circles around the ring, aiming to corner Mulan and let Elsa take care of business. The sellout crowd reaches deafening levels, every fan in attendance on their feet and ready for a grand finale. Elsa shouts a warning, but is too late— Anna gets too close to Mulan, and Mulan snatches her by the neck, smashing her to the mat immediately in a textbook RKO.

Anna is out cold, and Elsa charges to save her sister; Mulan grabs Elsa and lifts her off the ground, holding her above her head and making a statement to the raucous crowd. She swiftly drops Elsa face-first onto her knee and puts her to sleep for good. 

Result: Mulan advances with the double KO victory. She is booed out of the arena for her win over the two sisters, who are forever beloved by the crowd for being the first ever strong Disney female leads(?).

///Belle vs Aurora\\\

Belle somehow enters this fight favored to win.


Aurora, who beat Jane in round one without moving out of her corner, is untested. Belle, unsure what to expect from her, tries immediately to rush at her and take her to the mat, but Aurora shifts out of the way and scrambles to the opposite side of the ring. Belle chases and takes a swing at Aurora's cheek, but Aurora blocks the strike with her hands. Much to everyone's surprise, Aurora suddenly falls limp on the canvas. Confused, Belle drops and pins her, the count reaches three, and Aurora is still out cold.

Result: Inconclusive as to whether Aurora was incapacitated by an apparent jammed finger and broken nail, or if the fight was affected by her chronic narcoleptic condition. Belle advances to the final four. Experts, seemingly forgetting Belle's stunning win against Esmerelda in round one, bash her for receiving what they deem a free ticket to the semi-final round.

"A disgrace to the sport," Stephen A. Smith said the following morning on ESPN's "First Take". "I'll tell you what— I know Belle, my wife and her have lunch together Tuesdays and Saturdays and she is a dear dear friend of the family. But in sports, if people are given free passes to the semi-finals, then that should never be a measure of how elite they are, if someone doesn't have to earn their way."

///Merida vs. Kida\\\

The final fight of the day is here, and viewers who don't have Comcast or SmackDown network have just lost their illegal online streams of the tournament. Both competitors look confident entering the ring, eager to prove themselves and earn the last spot in the semi-final round.


Merida collides with Kida and immediately plants her against the mat, dropping punch after punch on the Atlantian, catching her and the fans completely off-guard. Kida is out cold and bleeding before Merida is yanked off of her, just as the frustrated non-comcast viewers bring the match back up on their laptops using a new feed.

Result: Kida is carted out of the ring, while Merida stalks around the rings as the crowd boos, making it clear she is the princess to beat in this tournament.

Disney Smackdown will return with the semi-final round and championship finale August 18th. And then............Disney Hunger Games.


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