Thursday, May 23, 2013

6 Movies You Didn't Know Were Being Released In 2014

You probably heard they were making a "300" sequel; you probably hadn't heard
that Vesper Lynd was starring in it. 

It's a safe bet that if you liked any movie released in the past two years, its sequel will be released in 2014. Whether or not that's a good thing is a discussion for a future date; fact is, many of these sequels should be so awesome they physically pin you to your soda-stained seat. Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, Captain America: Winter Soldier, a new Bond film, a new Spiderman, and another Fast and Furious installment are just a few of the many exciting movies headed towards future-us. Of course there will also be a ton of sequels coming out that are totally unnecessary, but if Hollywood knows for a fact a movie will rake in the cash, that movie gets made- Rio 2, Journey to the ______ 3, yet another Tyler Perry movie, 21 Jump Street 2, How To Train Your Dragon 2, another Transformers movie, and a third Despicable Me.

We're not saying all of those will be bad (though some of them totally will be), but are there any movies that aren't sequels? Have you heard about anything coming out next year that's not related to anything we'll see in theaters this summer? Seems like all the hype is about superhero movies and the Hunger Games, when there's actually a whole lot of other awesome things developing...

#1- Ninja Turtles

Yes, Ninja Turtles is happening next summer. At a glance there is cause for major concern, since it's a live-action blockbuster reboot of a childhood favorite cartoon starring Megan Fox and being directed by the explosion fetishist frat-boy director Michael Bay. The Transformers franchise has made a ton of money despite each movie being about an hour too long and every single character with a speaking part trying to be the comic relief.

And generally sucking at it.

But here's the good part: the segments of Transformers movies that actually involved building-sized robots destroying each other were undeniably terrific. Transformers 2 was an unbearably long movie with unacceptable amounts of crappy acting in it, but people paid nine bucks to sit in their seats and wait patiently until Optimus Prime wailed on four decepticons at once, and then the price of admission was worth it. The parts of the Transformers movies that actually starred the Transformers were awesome, it's the rest of the movie that gets in the way.

This leads us to believe that even in the probable event of a convoluted script and bad Megan Fox actressing, April O'Neil and the gritty CGI Ninja Turtles reboot will be worth watching simply because seeing a favorite cartoon from your childhood brought to life with today's butt-kicking movie magic is the very reason we're all in the middle of a superhero comic book nerd-fantasy entertainment binge in the first place. Because it rocks.

#2- The LEGO Movie

If you aren't totally psyched for next year's LEGO movie, you may not be familiar with LEGO's fantastic (and usually surprising) brand of legitimately clever comedy in their very successful line of video games. Wondering how that will translate to a feature-length film? Here's Wikipedia's plot overview:

"Emmet, an ordinary guy, is mistaken as being the one who can save the universe. With the aid of an old mystic, a tough female and Batman, Emmet will fight to defeat the evil tyrant bent on destroying the universe by gluing it together."

If you are still less-than-100%-amped, than perhaps we should mention who's attached to the project. Voicing Mr. LEGO Batman up there will be Arrested Development's Will Arnett (Gob will be the voice of Batman...let that sink in for a minute). Will Farrell will be voicing the villainous "President Business", and Liam Neeson will lend his voice to a character listed simply as "Bad Cop". 

Liam Neeson, the king of greek gods, master Jedi warrior, Aslan the god-lion, the ultraninja batman villain, hunter of european kidnappers and puncher of wild arctic wolves, is gonna be "Bad Cop" in the LEGO movie.

Community's Alison Brie and the love interest from that football movie "Invincible" Elizabeth Banks will also play major characters. If for some reason you are humorless enough to not find the prospect of Liam Neeson, Will Farrell, and a Will Arnett-voiced LEGO Batman awesome on a gut-busting level, here's one last kicker- guess who's voicing the aforementioned "old mystic"?

We BS you not.

#3- The Book Thief

"This is the only non-creepy picture of death on the internet, and it's Ian McKellen"
-Mind Grenades Photo Staff

A few years ago when most people were busy reading The Hunger Games, a book narrated by death himself became popular among book clubs and for good reason- it's pretty great actually. Considering the holocaust is the single most popular topic to write about ever, it's hard to get your WWII era book noticed. Having the grim reaper introduce himself and tell you who in the book dies in the first few pages is an interesting twist. The movie adaptation will be awesome, and most people won't get excited for the film's release until they see a teaser-trailer, because people just don't read books anymore that aren't about angsty teenage love triangles.  

A new death tournament and a super awesome rebellion are supposed to be happening, 
but sure, tell us more about your boy situation. 

#4, 5, and 6 Each Involve Epic Casting Calls 

First, Angelina Jolie is starring in the dark fairytale film "Maleficent", titled after arguably the greatest villain in the Disney universe. And before you protest that claim, just try to think of any other evil witch capable of entrancing a princess in a hypnotic deathsleep and doing this to prevent Prince Phillip from saving the day:

Holy Crap this was a kids movie?

Little Mermaid's Ursula did what exactly? Turned into a Macy's Day Parade version of herself and died from being impaled by a boat? Lame. Maleficent is a sorceress with "all the powers of Hell", and she's gonna have her own film next year starring Mrs. Jolie. 

Next, The Rock is starring in a Hercules movie, which sounds pretty good in theory. Considering "Clash of the Titans" managed to screw up the storyline to stories that have existed for thousands of years, and the recent "Conan The Barbarian" flopped, we're all due for a solid "Man with a colossal figure and super strength takes on impossible odds" movie. Actually, when written like that Hercules is basically a superhero. Ever wonder if ancient Grecian children wanted to be awesome like Hercules someday the way today's kids want to be Batman? They're essentially the same guy.

Impossible muscle definition: check. 
Ridiculous animal-themed costume to kick butt in: check. 
Incapable of keeping love interest alive: sad check.

Lastly, Ridley Scott's next project is entitled "Exodus", and is rumored to be starring Christian Bale in the role of Moses. Considering Scott is the man who gave us the exceptionally epic "Gladiator" as well as a seriously awesome "Robin Hood", the Bible may finally be in theaters again after way too long of a big screen drought. 

Charlton Heston was your grandparents' Harrison Ford; show a little respect.

There's a lot to be excited for in 2014 involving hobbits and marvel comics, but now you know there's much to look forward to next year beyond the cgi spandex wearing heroes undeserving of a sequel and another try at Robocop. There are movies based on books with imaginative ideas, movies about legit vampires, and movies that start with the word "Godzilla". 

Should be an interesting year.



  1. Holy crap, Logan. You just made my day by announcing that THE MAZE RUNNER is going to be a movie. I might cry. Not really, but I am so excited! AWESOME book. GRACIAS, senor.

    1. Right?! Hollywood still hasn't perfected the art of book to movie conversion (Eragon, Percy Jackson) but Ender's Game looks awesome and I'm hoping Maze Runner will get more people to read the book.