5 Reasons Rockstars Win At Life

I think there's a part of every human being that wants to be a rockstar. Not just out of a desire to be rich and famous, and not just for the chance we may merit an invite to Johnny Depp's birthday party; I mean everyone wants to be a crowds and lights and distortion kind of rockstar.

You may be reading this thinking "Not I! That's not my lifestyle. I don't like performing in front of people. I don't do drugs. I have no desire to jump in a hilariously large pile of money like Scrooge McDuck (liar, of course you do). Well the deal is this: 

First, as evidenced by anything that has to do with social media, people want to be heard. Everyone has something they want to say and to have that something be listened to and appreciated. Never has anything been more effective at conveying an emotion than the rockstar. We all want to be able to scream out what we feel like and have 30, 000 people scream back to us in positive affirmation that our screaming sounds hellagood.

This man could sing us all the phone book, and we would freaking listen to it.

Second, as a culture we all do this thing every year on January 1st where we examine ourselves and think of the ways we'd most like to change. We decide we can be better than we now are, and resolve to become this better version of ourselves. 

But you know what? We forget about all this by about mid-February (and that's being generous). We all have an innate hatred of change, and what we actually want is to stay just the way we are, but for everyone to think that's awesome.

You know who's considered the pinnacle of awesomeness without even attempting any of this self-improvement stuff we all subject ourselves to? Rockstars. The following is a list of the five most common New Years Resolutions, and how being a rockstar gets you out of every single one.

#5 Better Work/Life Balance

Another day at the office.

When you're a rockstar, there's no need to balance your work life with your "real life" because you'll be too busy living your constant awesome life. It can be a huge point of stress to wonder if you're spending too much time at the office instead of at home where you ought to be. This stress goes out the window when you take a break from thrilling stadiums full of adoring fans and take a 1.5 Million Dollar Cruise.

What is there to balance? Your "job" is awesome, your life outside of performing is doing the stuff celebrities do, which pretty much just means chilling with other celebrities.

It's a tough gig.

#4 Quit Smoking

Why would you do that? It's a pretty well-documented fact that rockstars get rejected by Death more frequently than any other group of people on the planet.

Probably because Death still sees potential for a few more albums

Travis Barker of Blink 182 was one of only two survivors in a plane crash. 

T.I. called the ambulance that saved the life of Creed's frontman Scott Stapp after fracturing his skull from an alcohol related 40-ft plunge off a balcony.

Ozzy survived years of being Ozzy, plus an ATV disaster.

Metallica's James Hetfield was sidelined just three weeks after an unfortunate encounter with a pyrotechnic device which left him with 3rd degree burns.

Taylor Hawkins overdosed on heroin and woke up after two days in a coma to concerned fellow Foo Fighter Dave Grohl, to which he uttered "Eff off", which is how rockstars say "I love you, bro". (The experience had a profound effect on Grohl, and you should really click that link because it's awesome).

And of course Nikki Sixx actually, you know died. Of a heroin overdose. Then was alive again enough to return home to his apartment to do more heroin. He's rumored to have overdosed six times, and is alive and kicking today, apparently a pretty sweet guy.

Obviously rockers are built of tougher stuff than the rest of us. That means if you were one, all the destructive bad habits of your daily life would all of a sudden be pardoned by the universe and replaced with a few extra lives, because forget karma.

#3 Learn Something New

First off, this is a lazy man's new year's resolution. We learn new stuff all the time, and to make that your goal for the whole year is kind of pathetic. It's a pretty safe bet you'll learn something this very week, like not to "like" Boys Like Girls on your Pandora radio because it'll screw everything up. Unless you get specific and say "learn a new language" or "learn how to survive an avalanche" it's a pretty safe goal and in no way a resolution that will change you. It's similar to the "be more kind" goal. How the freak will you gauge that next December 31st? I digress.

As the frontman of your awesome rock band, you will learn new songs, meet new people, and do new fun awesome things all the time. You won't ever have to worry about not having new experiences to keep you entertained because it's pretty lucrative to have 30,000 people in 50 cities pay 100-400 dollars a person to see you be awesome. How lucrative? Glad you asked. 

As seen here, U2's 360° Tour netted around three quarters of a billion dollars. To earn that amount of money without being a rockstar, you and 442 of your (guy) friends would need to pool every cent you make every year for the entire rest of your lives. Or if you wanted to have that pool of cash in the next year, you could combine your year's income with 19,392 of your closest friends.

Look at you, learning something new (on the internet, no less).

#2 Drink Less

"Still too soon, change before publishing"--Editor

The resolution of all those who wake up January 1st assuming they'll never be dumb enough to put their bodies through that sort of torture ever again, this is the second most popular new year's resolution (and it's funny that it isn't "quit drinking altogether,  because it's bad" but instead "drink less, so as to minimize the amount of bad")

Somehow this has become a celebrated part of the rockstar lifestyle, probably because the rocker is, in essence, a rebel. Whatever things you aren't supposed to do, they do, to prove those things can be done without consequence and that it's actually the best way to live.

"This is strike two."--Editor

We're all pretty much resigned to the fact that celebrities of all types do ridiculous things. It takes a lot to shock us now. There's no way to prove this, but we here at Mind Grenades ascribe this numbing of our insanity-meters to the fact that up until recently, rock bands were actively attempting to out-crazy each other all the time. It began decades ago with musicians blowing up their own instruments and escalated to that unfortunate incident with the tampon. Rock has died since, and the latest interesting thing to happen in music was Kanye West at the VMAs. The hair-metal bands of the '80s would be ashamed. 

Drinking will always be the heavy rocker's calling card, because if there's something that makes you act stupid and rots your insides, it is a rocker's solemn obligation to be the literal poster boy for that very thing.

#1 Exercise

What? Have you looked at a famous musician lately? One that's considered a "legend"? If there's one lesson to be learned in the world of legendary rockers, it's this; none of your fans care what you look like. At all. That's why rockers can look like Steve Perry.

Love you, Steve.

And Keith Richards.

It may be the single greatest thing about rock legends. To make it in the pop world, you have to have Jonas brother genes, or be created in a lab like Katy Perry. To be a rockstar, you just have to be unquestionably awesome. No rippling muscles necessary, not even a handsome face, just the ability to ignite a crowd with a guitar solo and a pair of Chuck Taylors. Once you're a rockstar, your issues with drinking and your inability to find a barber you like are no longer personality flaws; they are your persona.

Sadly the closest we'll ever be to that legendary status is being able to nail a hard solo on "Guitar Hero"and beat an animated Tom Morello. But in each of us will always live an inner rocker.

-L

Things We Rarely Do That Shouldn't Be So Rare

Remember the last time you were enjoying a night out with friends and suddenly thought to yourself, "We should do this more often"? It's a thought that's hit each of us, but for some reason we forget about all sorts of exciting things we could be doing and get distracted by all of life's white noise. Now, as a general rule, too much of a good thing can be bad.

...Actually, nevermind that's a stupid rule.

However, what about those things we only do on rare occasions that happen to be awesome? There are some good things everybody could use a little bit more of, and here they are:

#1- Lasertag

Lasertag is awesome. It's more intense than NERF, and though paintballing has its merits, lasertag has something about it that adds another level of cool. It's cool to shoot a laser gun, the sound effects are satisfying to all of us who at one point in our childhood pretended to be a stormtrooper. 

Read: Everyone.

Then there's the fact that it's not in the wide open well-lit outdoors like paintball is. Instead, it's dark and enclosed fog-machine warfare, fought in what usually looks like the original Terminator film's imagining of the future. Your vision is limited, your gun sounds awesome, you never run out of ammo, and your revenge on the annoying little neighborhood kids is perfectly acceptable (assuming you don't run, jump, kneel, lay down, or swear loudly). It's intense, and like five bucks. Five bucks to do the coolest thing you'll do all day isn't bad.


#2- Bowling


Somehow bowling has taken a backseat to most other forms of entertainment. People want to find a way to be busy, they go drop $13 on a 3D movie or even more money on a spendy dinner. The option to go bowling doesn't cross most people's minds. In fact suggesting it kind of makes you sound like a weirdo. Bowling alleys are places you can only be admitted to on your birthday, everyone knows that.

It's the only place to offer a rave-vibe for 13 year-olds.

This is all too bad because bowling is a blast. Nobody ever wants to go bowling, but once you put those shoes on and the idea of bowling becomes a reality, the game is suddenly over and you have to go pay for another game now that you're all warmed up. We here at MindGrenades would make the bold claim that Wii Bowling is largely responsible for selling the Wii out that one Christmas when nobody could find one. Nobody had Wii Golfing parties, none of the commercials were like "OOH Wii Baseball!"

How come we all instinctively know that floating orb next to him is his hand?

Wii Bowling is what made Wii Sports work, and Wii Sports is the reason why the Wii platform did so well. People like bowling. When you finally do set foot into a smoky bowing alley, you sometimes feel like "You know, I could be good at this game if I came more often". And then you forget until the next birthday. 


#3- Pinewood Derby Racing


A lot of people haven't done this, and that is a little sad. Most boys do it growing up and then don't have another shot at it until they have boys of their own. Going to a pinewood derby race is everything a competition should be though; it's fun, it's competitive, it pits something you created and breathed life into against your buddy's own creation. You can take it seriously and think about aerodynamics, or you can have fun and make it look like a batmobile, it doesn't matter. 

Heck, do both

The point is, this has somehow been designated an activity for boy scouts and nobody else. People like cars, and racing, and winning, and trophies. Pinewood derby has all of these, plus the potential for your creation to get beat by some 8 year-old kid's doorstop on wheels. That's quality entertainment. We'll go ahead and hypothesize that if the internet died tomorrow and all the TVs were stolen, people would turn to more old-school forms of entertainment and perhaps discover pinewood derby racing. 



#4- Skee Ball


Speaking of old-school, Skee Ball. It has that authentic old-timey feel that only a game that's been entertaining people since back when kids collected baseball cards can provide. Somehow Skee Ball has been stuck as a carnival game forever, when really it just needs a makeover in order to be totally acceptable 21st century household item. 

Okay maybe just those rich households that have a lot of extra space, 

and a creepy uncle to take your ticket.

There are some things that are acceptable to see in clubhouses and garages (air hockey, foosball, pool, and ping-pong). But somehow Skee Ball hasn't been able to crack that carny stereotype and become a mancave mainstay. Like lasertag, bowling, and miniature wooden cars, Skee Ball has fallen victim to a mentality that thinks "Those things have their own time and place". Unfortunately, that time tends to be rare, and that place is littered with sticky soda residue and uneaten popcorn kernels. 

These activities should not be reserved for just the one time a year you go to the state fair, or your birthday, or your cub-scout aged son's shop project. These are all things that make you feel like you did something awesome with your day, and should be brought into the mainstream the very day the internet loosens its dizzying grip on all of us. 

This is an acceptable reward for winning any of the activities listed above.

-L

Things The World Needs

Yes.

The most obvious answer is "bacon", the next most obvious answer being "love" (some here on the editorial staff would argue that the words are synonymous). Here are things the world needs.

#1- A Reverse Microwave Oven

No, not a freezer. An appliance that I can put my melty milkshake into and zap it for thirty seconds, cooling it back down to the desired consistency. The applications here are numerous, and considering the microwave has been around for over 50 years, you'd think that it's counterpart would be a mainstay in every kitchen by now. The science is out there, somebody make this happen. 

If you aren't sold on the idea that this a great potential invention, I would also point out that there are untold numbers of youtube videos featuring people microwaving stupid stuff. And these videos happen to be awesome. By now most people know what happens when you microwave an egg, but what happens when you hyper-freeze it?

If we're lucky, the same thing.

#2- iTunes For TV Shows

Everyone who owns a TV pays for more channels than they actually watch. Instead of braving the ghetto of the internet to find episodes of my favorite TV show, I'd rather just pay for the one channel or even just the one show the same way I do for my music. This is different than Netflix and similar services, since you don't always find what you're looking for on those services and you still pay for crap you don't want. There's a reason they don't package the six songs you want to buy with 1,000 others you couldn't care less about. 

A bonus to safe, virus-free TV watching on my laptop is not having to deal with these idiots ever ever again.

#3 More Dilly Bars

220 calories on the end of a wooden stick somehow 

sums up an entire childhood.

I realize the world already has Dilly Bars, but I'm saying we need more of them. When was the last time you had one? Better question, when was the last time you were truly happy?

#4 Things That Fly

Flying skateboard, flying car, I'll even take a flying bike if that's all we have. Seriously though, humanity managed to put some guys on the moon back when a computer took up an entire room. Today we have more complex computers that fit in our pants pockets, yet our vehicles are sadly still a slave to gravity and gas prices. I feel like we let the space race generation down a little bit. They were thinking back then, "Wow if we put a man on the moon today, I wonder what we'll be doing in 50 years!" Sadly, the answer to their question is "Touch screen technology that allows us to play Angry Birds in class instead of listening to the boring lecture!"

-L

Things We Can All Do Without

True, we could probably just end this article right here.

...Sorry, Keith. You're alright

For those of you who don't know, I spent the last two years in Memphis and surrounding areas as a church service missionary. This is a peculiar situation to be in for two years- you sort of live under a rock when it comes to pop culture. You get all your information from the Sonic Drive-in and the tabloids in Walmart. So imagine being "out of the loop" for two years and then returning home only to find out that the world you live in still hasn't outgrown several things you figured would be dead and gone by then. 

And so begins my list-based blogging once more. 

#1- Awkward, Unnecessarily Personal Facebook Status Updates

I thought by now everyone would've figured out that the internet can be a mean neighborhood. It probably isn't in your best interest to post something you should only be talking to a trusted friend about, because you usually aren't considering who all will see it (your parents, your ex, your ex's parents...)

Potential employers check your facebook page, potential identity thieves also check your facebook page, and creepy stalkers from your english 101 class most definitely check your facebook page (awesome infographic on that last link, by the way). Just something to keep in mind next time you decide to be dramatic with your status.

#2- Soccer on ESPN, and the WNBA

Sorry, soccer fans- I've tried to like it. I made an honest effort to appreciate the sport. Can't do it.

Putting soccer highlights on Sportscenter makes as much sense as showing us all European basketball; nobody recognizes any of the players or teams, they're playing for some sort of championship nobody understands, and there is far too much hair and whining involved. There's a reason Americans only watch soccer every four years during the world cup- it's because we know what the heck is going on. It's like March Madness on a global scale- we are totally down with that. You know what we're not down with? 

This.

Also- it's a well-documented fact that for whatever reason, girls basketball just isn't very exciting.  Quick, name two WNBA teams...........so why is it still around? Why do we live in the world where we can have women's basketball each year but no XFL? That's a tragedy.

#3- VW Beetles

I kind of already hated these cars, both because they look stupid and because it's the clueless college girl vehicle of choice, so they're often being driven stupidly. They don't get good gas mileage, they can't tow anything, you can't cram many people in them and if you crash, your face is already pressed against the windshield. All in all just the worst design for a car ever. There is not a single redeemable quality about it. There are only cons and no pros. It is the vehicular equivalent of crocs.

And it comes in all the same pretty colors

The 2013 model looks like they tried giving it a different kind of vibe, but what they got is a car that looks ridiculous even on the showroom floor, where everything is supposed to look awesome.

#4- Hipsters Singing About Credit Reports

Pretty self-explanatory.

That is all.

-L

Being Famous- A Brief History

I don't get why some people are celebrities, or why anybody watches TLC, or why 'Glee' hasn't died yet. The world is a largely awesome place with awesome people in it (Youtube search "people are awesome", kiss your afternoon goodbye). As fun as it is to bash Kid Rock for everything he's ever done, the world could do with fewer pointless famous people. Seems like there should be more of a reason for someone owning a multi-million dollar empire than simply "...Because".

On the other hand, you could be the next big thing. But probably not.

To illustrate this confusing and troubling trend (which I considered terming the "Honey Boo-Boo Principle", but decided against it because merely typing those words chipped away at the rock of my hope for humanity) I have put together a list of people from history that actually did something worth noting hundreds of years later.

63% of our readers catch this reference without any further explanation.

1750 BC - Hammurabi Gets Things Done

There's really no such thing as the world's first celebrity (don't "Adam and Eve" me, smart-ass) but here's a guy from way long ago that deserves some degree of fame and attention:

With a profile like that, he had to grow up to be famous.

The dude made Babylon the world's first metropolis, which is a big deal (probably- don't ask me, this is a blog not a research paper). He also wrote one of the first recorded code of laws in history, which included basic elements of presumed innocence and the necessity of evidence to prove a crime. He is one of the twenty-three historic law-givers portrayed in the chamber of the U.S. House of representatives, accompanying figures like Thomas Jefferson, Napoleon, multiple popes, and Moses. Yeah, THAT Moses. Look at you, learning stuff on the internet.

336-323 BC - Alexander The Great

There's too much history regarding Big Al to write here, and you're probably already bored of historical information already, so here's all you need to know- his name is Alexander.....The Great. You want people to recognize you 20 years from now, you'll be something like "Suzie, who puked in gym class" or "Steve who went streaking during the homecoming game". 

"Miley The Bewildering and Undeserving of Success; Daughter of Billy."

1452- Leonardo da Vinci

Okay here's the deal, I can't do a quick rundown of Leo because

A. There's way too much ground to cover

and

B. You all already know....which is kind of the point I'm trying to make. 

1800's - Liszt and Paganini, Rockstars Before Fog Machines

Paganini is the best violinist the world has ever seen, and will ever see. He played things thought believed to be so impossible, it was rumored he was in league with the devil (Seriously. I guess this has always been a popular accusation in the world of rockstars). He was solely responsible for virtuoso style performances, for coming up with public concerts where people actually paid to come watch- not because that was the what people did back then (it wasn't), but because people were so amazed by his talent and showmanship that they were willing to pay to watch it. He didn't give interviews. He rode in an all black coach with red interiors. He (probably) had the 19th century version of groupies (wenches?). He was the original Rock Star.

The Chops.

Liszt is basically Paganini  but on Piano. He was going to be a monk until he attended Paganini's concert in the wild summer of 1831, at which point he decided he absolutely needed to get in on that action. And it's a good thing, because he became the greatest piano player of all time. He was the first to ever give a full piano recital, turning the piano sideways so the audience could see him better (We've left the piano like this on stage ever since, by the way). He was perhaps the first musician to have a hotel room key thrown to him onstage.

2013 - What happened?

I do realize that a lot has gone down since Paganini started getting paid for rocking,   but seriously, 3OH!3 should never have been a thing. It's not just music- there will always be fluffy pop music for as long as teenage girls exist. But does anybody remember who this is:

And why is this the least horrifying picture of her I could find?

That's Kate Gosselin. Remember like three or four years ago when she was famous for no reason? Do you see how dumb we all look now for giving this lady so much attention, since now she's pretty much completely forgotten? I wonder who will fall into obscurity next.

One can only hope.

-L

A Note Concerning Unoriginality

I think it's safe to say that posers annoy everyone (that's what earns them that classification, after all). They annoy me so much, I actually don't really like using the word poser, but there's no other great description for the particular brand of person I'm talking about. Specifically, I'm annoyed by the face-punchingly sucktastic combination of posers with guitars. Don't even act like you don't know what I'm talking about- you do. You went to high-school with at least a few of them. They would be the Jack Johnson loving, hemp-necklace wearing, borderline stoner-kids that picked up a guitar to get into some girl's pants, and felt the need to hone their skills during lunch in the cafeteria. And you know what? It probably worked.

It's so cool that you play guitar. I bet most guys can't play the opening to "Smoke On The Water" on the low E-string.

Don't even get me started on the ukelele kids.

The silver thread that outlines this otherwise miserable cloud of douchebaggery is that once posers learn a few chords, they usually try their hand at songwriting, and then the universe balances itself back out.

-L