Saturday, April 12, 2014

Just One Example of How BuzzFeed Lists Totally Suck

Every. Single. One.

There's an entire awesome blog dedicated to making fun of the fact that Buzz Feed lists are total BS. The lists on Buzz Feed are, at best, one paragraph of loosely connected writing, and at worst the word "This" repeated nineteen times in a row.

THIS.
...See? We can do it too.

Recently, we feel the quality of buzz feed lists taking over Facebook news feeds has been especially dreadful, probably because a lot of them have to do with Disney movies. If you aren't yet aware, we do a lot of stuff here with animated movies. 

Now, level with us here. We're burnt out. School and work demanded six different stories from our lead writer last week. There's a reason this blog has laid dormant for a month or so. 

Worry not. 

More posts are coming.

Seriously, Summer is just two weeks away.

But for those of you who really miss your Mind Grenades funnies, here are images and youtube clips disproving the recently popular Buzz Feed list, "25 Reasons 'Anastasia' is The Best Animated Film Ever."

You may call us lazy, but how awesome is it that we can bash BuzzFeed without words?

1. "Firstly, the music is lush, gorgeous perfection."




2. "The Cast. Look at the cast."



3. "Anastasia is wonderfully sassy and rough around the edges."



4. "And she makes it clear early on that she doesn't need saving."



5. "But she’s also into flowy dresses and twirling, proving a woman can be strong and still like traditionally feminine things."


6. "And as down-to-earth as she is, she's still an unabashed dreamer."


That last one was kind of a cheap shot.

7. "And she has some baller costume changes."


8. "Anya and Dimitri's love is actually perfect."


9. "They rag on each other all the time and make terrific banter."

This is actually a staple in every Disney movie, animated or not.

10. "But they're also there for each other when it matters most."



11. "There are also some lovable side characters."



12. "Bartok is also the cutest minion of ALL TIME."



13. "And this random puppy is just an added bundle of joy."


To Be Continued...



Thursday, January 16, 2014

5 TV Shows With Fans Who Will Knife You For Hating

Yes. We're going there.

TV has an interesting way of dividing people. You can make fun of your best buddy's crappy cell phone, their high school, and their place of work with almost no consequences. But take one light jab at their obsession over "Supernatural" and just see what happens

Best get comfortable, because we aren't even close to being done with those kinds of sweeping generalizations. It's been a month since posting and we've got a lot of grenades to drop.

On your mind. Because mind grenades.

#5 The Big Bang Theory


What It Is: 
That 70's Show without the charm or the humor. The least funny episode of How I Met Your Mother contains more laughs than the best possible episode of this BS.

A Quick Summary: 
The Big Bang Theory tries to cash in on this generation's "Nerdy can be cool, too" trend by making every character a ridiculous comic relief. The show doesn't actually contain any jokes, so instead it throws in an annoyingly loud laugh-track at the end of every sentence in an effort to tell viewers "THIS WAS FUNNY, LAUGH NOW." Honestly, this show sucked before it was adopted as everyone's guilty pleasure show.

How Fans Made It Worse: 
By jumping on the "Nerdy = Cool" bandwagon without truly understanding how exactly that trend works. See, cool nerdy stuff was always cool and is just now getting its chance to shine— superhero movies, interesting new technology, anything involving dry ice, you get the idea. Those things are inherently awesome. The desperate mistake made by too many Big Bang Theory fans is assuming that poorly-acted sexual tension and ridiculous character outfits somehow passes into the realm of coolness. It doesn't. Not all things traditionally considered "geeky" are cool just because people know who Iron Man is now. This also applies to those fake nerd glasses that girl in the back of your class wears.

Identifying PR majors has never been so simple.

#4 The Walking Dead



What It Is: 
Toy Story.



A Quick Summary: 
The Walking Dead was once the pinnacle of the zombie popularity spike. It was actually cool for a season, but fans blew it out of proportion right when the forever-long/awful/boring season 2 was happening. Similar to the sad situation with The Avengers, groupthink prevented any logical criticism of the show despite it falling short of all expectations after season 1. The zombie obsession isn't quite fully dead yet, but isn't exactly alive either. How fitting.


How Fans Made It Worse:
By somehow remaining oblivious to the fact that everyone moved past the zombie fad ever since World War Z happened, since no zombie movie will probably ever be that good again.

#3 Adventure Time



What It Is:
If Homestar Runner and low-budget youtube viral videos had a profoundly unfunny child, and that child then found its parents' stash of psychoactive drugs, that would be Adventure Time.

A Quick Summary:
Who even knows? I mean seriously, how is this show popular at all? We get that it's big with the stoner crowd, but that makes sense— adult swim has always been geared towards a particular demographic, and that demographic is perpetually high. But why this? It's like you're watching the sum total of all the mindless doodles you drew on your math homework in middle school come to life in nightmarish forms, and then they waste a half-hour of your life before Archer comes on.

How Fans Made It Worse: 
Just…by being fans…? The show is stupid even without masses of fans, but because it does in fact have masses of fans, it's another blow to our collective faith in humanity. In that way, "Adventure Time" is the People Magazine of television.

#2 Game of Thrones


What It Is:
Pornographic Skyrim blended together with the rape-y parts of bad horror movies.

A Quick Summary:
Based on the now popular book series by George RR Martin, this show is basically all the torture and sex scenes from trashy horror films with an added backdrop of old-timey Norse(?) mythology. It takes all the worst things that happened in the dark ages and adds dragons and magic to it. If you find yourself thinking "Hey that sounds cool," Martin has already got you. It isn't. Repeat: It is not. Cool.

Sticky notes are character deaths. Predictably, one of those is Sean Bean.

Martin is notorious for killing off key characters and introducing abrupt plot-twists, which would be great if it didn't detract from the overall story…which it totally does. Martin chooses to cling to his "Always be unpredictable" policy so desperately, that's exactly what he becomes. Yes, character deaths are shocking and keeping main characters constantly in danger of actually dying off is a new sort of gimmick— but a gimmick is what it is, and those are bad. Those are bad because they get old; once people figure it out, everything interesting and important and surprising about what you write becomes stale and predictable. Take Stefani Germanotta, the patron saint of successful gimmicks.

Pictured: Lady Gaga maybe. 
Because anyone could dress up like they just ran through a Hobby Lobby covered in hot glue 
and pretend they were her. Nobody would even know.

Is anyone surprised anymore when she takes the stage dressed in nothing but Pizza Hut boxes? No. We know she's nuts, we know she's an attention whore; the only legitimate shot she has at truly shocking people ever again is if she gets that nose of hers worked on and starts looking actually kind of attractive. That would be a shock to us all.

Anyway, Martin kills off "good guy" main characters and bad guys never get their comeuppance. Surprising the first few times, maybe entertaining the next few times, but you know what? When people unlock the secret to this "No happy endings for anyone ever" style of writing, it gets sour. It becomes predictable in the worst way, because reading the books or watching the show breeds an attitude of pessimism towards everything related to the plot. "Oh good, so-and-so broke free from whosywhatsit, I wonder if something bad will happen…" [IT DOES] "Wow I…saw that coming because that's been happening for thirty episodes/chapters now."

How Fans Made It Worse:
By being complete junkies. Hating on Game of Thrones is like saying JK Rowling is kind of a crappy author— it will instantly turn someone against you, and that someone will not even be able to comprehend how you could not like their most favorite thing. Try it, say to your Game of Thrones friend "You know, I liked it for a while but it just got so stupid," and then sit back and marvel at the ten-minute rant you just drew forth from the mouth of an otherwise rational human being. At the end of the day, Game of Thrones is just a poor man's rape-filled mixture of Lord of the Rings and European history, and Dobby is still dead.

DEAD.

#1 Doctor Who. Although the following is also probably applicable to Sherlock.


What It Is:
Have we already used the word "insufferable" too many times today?

A Quick Summary:
Matt Smith is a time-travelling alien who looks like a grown-up version of that weird kid in your honors chem class. Remarkably, he is also a sex symbol.

Or a lesbian. Who's to say?

He recruits a new girl every few seasons to share adventures with him. He fixes everything with a "sonic screwdriver", which is the most literal embodiment of a McGuffin ever. 



Literally every single problem can be solved with the sonic screwdriver. The sonic screwdriver is Tiger Woods on a Sunday. The sonic screwdriver is Dr. House in the final five minutes of each episode.

The only real doctor.

How Fans Made It Worse:
Well, it's a re-imagining of an old off-the-wall sci-fi show that should probably be about as popular as those low-budget Syfy original movies with atrocious acting and laughable special effects. Because that's all Dr. Who is every episode. But it's not floating around in relative obscurity, it's popular. Trendy, even. People are getting sonic screwdriver tattoos. For many, Matt Smith is celebrity crush #1.


The show really isn't anything special, but the nerd-driven hype-machine selected Dr Who for this year's "Show you'll be embarrassed you own the seasons on DVD" award. 

But Seriously, SCREW Big Bang Theory.


-L

Thursday, December 12, 2013

This Has Been A Long Time Coming...


Okay, in the past few months there have been several relationship-y articles making the rounds on Facebook. You've seen them. "I didn't marry my soulmate!" and "Marriage isn't for you!" and "[something that goes against the grain so it must be profound]!". Look, we get it, going against the grain makes things more interesting sometimes. This blog is guilty of supporting Ben Affleck and Gal Gadot, as well as defending Miley Cyrus' swiftly deteriorating career. We even hated on JK Rowling one time (sorry about that one, Gelene and Bailey). Those aren't exactly popular decisions, which hopefully is what makes them an interesting read. In a world generally geared towards showing us what we want, we should all strive to see from alternative perspectives from time to time.

"BAH! ALTERNATIVE PERSPECTIVES." -All of you, probably

So here's the thing…

You probably don't want to take relationship advice from Facebook.

Now, we aren't exactly qualified to give out relationship advice. If love was a sport--and let's be real, it is--Mind Grenades writers would be a combined 0-4-1. 

We are the Utah Jazz of relationships.

But there are some things that you just know. You know Facebook isn't a source for any serious information, you know this. Facebook is to remind you that all your friends travel and have more fun than you do, and to supply you with infinite Buzzfeed lists to awaken your inner '90s nostalgia. Links you see on Facebook are not a life manual. In fact, stop believing you're the only one in life who didn't get a life manual- nobody did. Everyone's just trying to figure things out. You think your parents knew what they were doing when they had you? False.

Okay, fine; religious texts are, in a way, a life manual. 
But God still wants you to figure stuff out on your own.

So stop assuming that just because you read somewhere that some other person's dating experience was all like  "I never got butterflies when he kissed me or held my hand. He didn’t sweep me off my feet, and he wasn’t one to compliment me very much. But he was stalwart where it counted… We just made sense together" that your dating experience is gonna be like that. Because you know what? Your relationship probably isn't going to be anything like something you read on freaking Facebook. 

You may actually get the big tremendous "THIS IS IT" feeling. 



Maybe you'll have one of those Anastasia relationships where 90% of the time, you totally hate each other.

Not exactly sure why Fox Animation Studios thought kids would understand 
this particular relationship dynamic.


Maybe your love life will one day resemble your '80s movie of choice.



Or maybe nobody will want you and you'll wind up traveling abroad.



Making you the Allen Iverson of relationships.

The point is, maybe looking at others' relationships and assuming that's what it's going to be like isn't the way to go. The chances are good you're worrying way too much about this. Reading Facebook posts in order to reaffirm the opinions you probably already hold regarding relationships is no way to boost confidence. There will always be something more to read out there about "How to get your guy" or "This one weird trick will get you every girl's number" or whatever the hell Cosmopolitan is talking about.



Freaking Cosmo.

Just learn to be cool with who you are; then you won't need crappy advice from Facebook, or from your most favorite blog. And enjoy the holidays. More posts to follow soon.

With the right pair of aviators, you can be this cool.

-L


P.S. You aren't going to end up alone, we just really wanted to make that Allen Iverson joke. 


But your relationship is never going to be like "Friends With Benefits." Seriously.


P.P.S.
"Freaking Dave forgot to hand out the life manuals. 
Dave must die."

Sunday, December 8, 2013

Why Gal Gadot Is Awesome, Or "Stop Hating On My Favorite Actress".

Congratulations, Fanboys of the world- you've managed to draw me out of a two-month break from blogging. Let's get right to it- Mind Grenades readers, this blog post is in defense of Gal Gadot.


That sound you hear is our entire photo department
doing a happy dance.

Regular readers are already aware that the Mind Grenades blog has kind of a soft spot for Gal Gadot, as well as the Fast and the Furious franchise she was best known for until Tuesday's announcement that the actress would be playing the role of Wonder Woman in the upcoming Zach Snyder film "Man of Steel 2 (Batman vs Superman)". The film already endured one round of nerd-rage and is now experiencing another dose. Now, understand that there are about three actresses in all of Hollywood anyone here in the Mind Grenades offices gives a crap about:

3. Gal Gadot

And…that's it. 

So with that understanding, we're going to address these losers who are whining about Snyder's choice to cast Gadot as a character as iconic as Wonder Woman, and do our best to rip their baseless arguments to shreds with the power of common freaking sense.

"But She Doesn't Even Look Like Wonder Woman!"


"Ugh, she's hideous"- Freaking Nobody

You don't think Zach Snyder knows what Wonder Woman looks like? He's a lifelong nerd making a Superman movie, with Batman in it, and he's trying to introduce another character beloved by many in such a way that will appeal to people- and possibly pave the way for a standalone Wonder Woman movie. This is not a decision he'd take lightly. Everyone involved in this movie knows what Wonder Woman looks like in the comics, and her origin as a beastly Amazon warrior (or is it warrioress? We really don't want to anger the feminists…)


BUT- first of all, no human has ever or will ever actually look like Wonder Woman. We're beginning to suspect that these Gadot haters have never actually ventured outside the walls of their mothers'  basements to see what women in the real world look like. Haters- it is a verifiable fact that Gal Gadot is one of the most beautiful people on the planet Earth. So being annoyed she doesn't look like a comic book character makes about as much sense as knocking Henry Cavill for looking like this-
What a weakling.
Instead of this-

Meh. Guess that's a little better. Still think he should hit the gym more.

Comic book heroes have muscles that don't exist, and comic book ladies have disproportionate legs and impossible waist sizes, not to mention chests that laugh in the face of physics. Too much of the criticism aimed at Gal Gadot is related to either her not being tall enough, busty enough, or muscly enough for the part. Apparently fanboys the world over expected Snyder to cast Glamazon, the WWE Diva.

The depth of our WWE knowledge would astound you.

That picture may appear ridiculous, but that's seriously what some people want in a Wonder Woman character, which is why it's a good thing they aren't calling the shots- Snyder is looking to successfully establish an iconic character in a film that already has a lot on the line. This is the make or break film for future Justice League films, and it needs to be a hit. He cast Gal Gadot not for her physical stature, but for her ability to actually BE Wonder Woman, with the inner strength of character and attitude necessary to be believable as a female superhero. 

Let's take a quick look at a few female superheroes Hollywood totally got wrong:


Halle Berry, who won an Oscar in 2002 for Best Actress, played Catwoman in what some consider to be the worst film ever made. Worst. Ever.


Jessica Alba played Sue Storm in the forgettable Fantastic Four movies (yes, there were two). The movies sucked and now the franchise looks like it's going to be rebooted.


Anne Hathaway was the horrifically over-acted Catwoman in Dark Knight Rises, trying desperately to be a badass throughout the film and failing miserably. What does it say that her laughable efforts at being a dangerous criminal were still more successful than any female superhero before her? It says Hollywood has a lot of work to do if they're going to make Wonder Woman work. 

Snyder is making an effort to create a character that will forever be linked with the actress who portrays her. Try to make a Wolverine movie without Hugh Jackman, people will be upset. Tony Stark without Robert Downey Jr? People will be upset. Those actors are connected to those characters, at least for the current generation. Wonder Woman is great character, and she needs an actress who can create that same mental tie for several films to come.

So what did Snyder do? He learned three important lessons from the three flops listed above.

Lesson #1: The wrong role can turn even the best actress into the absolute worst actress.

Lesson #2: Even someone who "looks the part" like Jessica Alba can't make up for bad acting.

Lesson #3: Toughness CAN'T be faked- audiences can sense when the "Bad-girl" act is phony.

The solution to all of these problems? Gal Gadot.



My first time ever viewing this film, I uttered "I think I'm in love" seconds before Han did. 
That's a true story.

Gal Gadot has everything it takes to be a believable Wonder Woman in an age of superhero movies grounded in gritty realism. She learned combat training during her two-year service in the Israeli Defense Forces and spent those two years as a sports trainer. She did all of her own stunts in Fast Five and requested more stunts for her character in Fast Six. "Doing her own stunts" is a phrase that gets passed over entirely too quickly: it's not just a cool way of saying she's hardcore. It's a way of saying "She jumped from a motorcycle onto the side of a vehicle moving at a high rate of speed and then almost got crushed by oncoming traffic." She does her own stunts because she wants to be taken seriously as an action star, and a legit Wonder Woman performance could establish her as a staple actress in future action films.




So she likes the action, and she's legitimately tough and therefore believable in strong roles. Still, if you really need any more convincing, this video should sell it for you. Here's Gadot discussing her character in the Fast and the Furious films, and expressing her feelings regarding strong feminine roles:




"She's very strong. She's very tough. She has no fear. She will always help a friend in need…that's the way it should be. In life, women are strong; it should be the same on film. Because the men we have in this movie are so strong, tough, clever, intelligent, physically really big, I think that it's a good balance to have us girls in this movie."

Wait, see what she did there?

Man of Steel 2 will star Henry Cavill and Ben Affleck as Superman and Batman, some of the strongest male archetypes ever created. If Snyder produces a Wonder Woman who looks weak in comparison to the other two stars, he will get absolutely shredded by critics and fans alike who wanted a stronger female lead. Gadot comes from a franchise full of the biggest, toughest guys around like Vin Diesel and The Rock, and yet held her own in the series as a tough character not to be messed with. And it wasn't forced or laughable- it was entirely believable.




So the decision to cast Gadot was based on her ability to successfully convey independence, power, strength, and also likability which is crucial to a new character's film debut. She may look different than the drawing in the comic books, but anybody who admires Wonder Woman for the right reasons should enjoy what Snyder is trying to do with the character. He wants to do the character justice, not the costume. Despite the criticism Snyder's already received for his casting decisions, let's go ahead and assume he knows what the heck he's doing when it comes to creating great superhero movies.


-L